Staying visible and relevant in midlife

Posted on March 31, 2022

We’ve been in the thick of NCAA March Madness, so this seems like a good time for a sports-inspired post. And also, to remind newer readers of what my blog and newsletter is all about.

Whenever I watch games, my eyes are always on the players. This is true not only of basketball, but also football, baseball, soccer, hockey, any team sport. Even with individual sports such as tennis and boxing–all eyes are on the ones playing the game.

The players are engaged in the action, the ones who score and play defense. We know many of their names, and follow their progress. Their images and names appear on posters, TV ads, and other products.

The ones on the playing field we barely see?

The officials. Also known as referees, umpires, etc.

These individuals are important to the game, to be sure. They keep order, call plays, and enforce rules. Without them, the game would become chaos. Hockey is stereotypically known for aggressiveness and even violence on the ice (more so in times gone by than these days, I think). Imagine what it would be like if there were no officials to keep whatever order there is?

So no question–the game officials are necessary and important.

But much of the time they are invisible.

Our eyes tune them out and we focus on the ones in uniform, the ones engaged in play. Only when they blow the whistle or pronounce a call do we become conscious of the referees. Then, of course if they make a call we don’t like, they become VERY visible to us, and indeed the object of wrath.

The rest of the time, however, they blend into the background. In fact, they are MEANT to be more or less invisible. Even their official clothing is designed to make them so. Notice, most of the time referees/officials wear some form of gray/white/black. This makes them both distinctive and anonymous. Your eye looks right past them so you can focus on the players.

How many college or pro level sports officials do we know by name?

Not many.

The game is about the players, not the officials. The officials try NOT to draw attention to themselves, in their dress and in their manner. They have a very specific function on the field of play, an important one, but are best when they draw little or no attention. (Sometime I’ll write a separate post on the importance of referees, but not today)

Has it occurred to you that sports are a lot like life?

On the field of play there are the athletes/players, and there are the officials. The ones we see, and the ones we don’t.

In life men in their late 40s and 50s can easily find themselves becoming “invisible.” Feeling irrelevant. Their career may have peaked. Kids are grown, or mostly so. No little ones crowding around the door, yelling “Daddy’s home!” and making you feel like a king. A bit of weight gain, hair loss, and the hair that remains is getting gray.

Many men start to feel this invisibility creep in, this blending into the background, much like officials or referees in a game. Invisible, anonymous, not noticed until you really need them. It perhaps is no wonder that men heading into that season of life may experience a crisis.

Next thing they know, they are given a “senior discount” without asking for it–or even being old enough for it. Or told, “You look great for your age.” Not just “You look great,” but the key phrase–”for your age.” The reality that life is half-lived, or more than half, can hit hard for many.

Ok, this can sound depressing, I get it!

But it is a fact that many men (and women) experience this transition into middle adulthood as something not altogether positive.

I’m claiming that, to the contrary, these midlife years can be some of your best ever!

Yes, perhaps you do need to experience a wake-up call, noticing that the person looking back from the mirror is no longer a youth or young adult.

That wake-up call can be what you need to shift from invisible anonymity to taking your place as a player on the field.

I prefer to think of it as a “mid-life adjustment” rather than a “crisis.”

This adjustment begins with the decision to embrace the age you are, and the season of life you are in. Not to try to be young, or dress or act younger, but to embrace the age you are. To realize that life is not half-over, it is only half-lived.

In my own case, during those years, I had an epiphany that my appearance and how I present myself matters, and that it is OK to care about it. Just because that is not the most important thing about ourselves, does not mean it is NOT important at all.

**I decided to take ownership of what I have come to call my personal Ethos.**

Our Ethos is how others perceive us, and how we create credibility, trust, and positive influence with others. What I describe as our overall “Ethos” (to use Aristotle’s term, and which I unpacked in this earlier post: The Influence of Your Ethos).

This involves developing our own sense of style, as well as taking better care of our body and inner life as well. Doing those things changes the way other people experience us, and puts us more in control of how we come across. As I say, a personal upgrade for midlife.

This involves giving ourselves permission to care about our appearance and presence. You may hear some men say, “A real man doesn’t care how he looks,” or “I don’t care how I look, I just want to be comfortable.” These often are just alibis for not knowing what to do to improve oneself. For being embarrassed to take a first step to self-improvement. A man who says he doesn’t care how he looks often doesn’t care about a lot of other important things either.

But the fact is, our appearance does matter.

Everyone cares about this. Men have always cared. If we didn’t, we would just put on a burlap sack and go with that.

To be clear, it is not just about clothes. Mine is not a fashion or style blog, and there are lots of other style resources out there. Our style factors in, and I’ll talk about that sometimes, but it is only part of the equation. There are many aspects to a midlife upgrade, or adjustment. What people see is important, to be sure, and starting there can create some of the most immediate visible results.

My blog and website is devoted to providing resources and perspectives for midlife men. Re-branding for success in midlife, so to speak. Especially in the age range 45-60. I do have a number of female readers, and those who are either younger or older than that demographic. For some reason, a number of people in their early 30s seem to like what I do, even though I’m writing to an older audience. For that I’m grateful!

I’ll continue to provide reflective, philosophical, and practical content that can help you experience midlife in positive and productive ways. As always, I welcome hearing from you with any questions or ideas you may have.

In the meantime, enjoy the rest of the games, and remember to see yourself as one of the players in life, not one of the referees.