In my last post I wrote about the Semiotics of Baseball, so I’ll extend the sports theme for another post. This time, the Kentucky Derby, which was run recently on Saturday, May 7.
I’ve never been to the Derby in person, but I’ve watched it on TV most years, ever since I was a kid. My parents were from Kentucky, and I still have family and a sense of roots there. So, it has been a tradition in my family to watch the race, from the time I can remember. I recall that my grandfather would get teary-eyed when they played “My Old Kentucky Home” before the race. And it even strikes me that way a little bit, I’ll admit, even though I’ve lived most of my life in Oregon.
This year’s race was one of the most remarkable I’ve seen in all my years of watching the Derby. “Rich Strike,” an 80-1 long shot, won the race against all odds and expectations. Watch this short video of this year’s race (they call it the most exciting two minutes in sports):
Notice how the race unfolds in a predictable manner. The pack of horses moves together for the first half of the race, sorting out positions, each jockey trying to strategize for some kind of advantage. The announcer calls the names of various horses as leads are claimed and lost. Several of the more favored horses seemed to lead most of the time, as expected. Rich Strike was in 18th place at the half mile mark, 15th place at the one mile pole, out of 20 horses total.
This means that Rich Strike overcame 14 horses ahead of him in the last quarter mile of the race (which is 1.25 miles total).
When you watch the video, it happens fast, and you almost don’t see it coming. Rich Strike gets just one mention by name prior to the final stretch, as the announcer rattles off the names of a bunch of horses.
Rounding into the beginning of the home stretch, jockey Sonny Leon found a place for Rich Strike to make a play up the inside. He came up on Messier, an 8-1 odds horse, but one who appeared to be tiring, and brushed him aside as if merely an annoyance. That opened up his run past the two leading horses, Epicenter and Zandon. The announcer was still focusing on those two when Rich Strike simply powered past them, getting mentioned by the announcer with only about six seconds to go. Saving his best effort for the stretch, Sonny Leon urged Rich Strike to the finish line, winning the race by nearly a full length (which seems a fairly decisive win in horse racing).
It was a stunning performance, by a horse and rider that few had heard of. A horse and his jockey that were almost not even in the race, and from whom little was expected. Many would think they would just be happy to be there, competing, but not realistically in a position to win.
Consider the disadvantages and odds against Rich Strike and his jockey:
Sonny Leon, the jockey for Rich Strike, was not one of the big names in the world of horse racing. Few knew of him, and he had never before been on a stage the likes of the Kentucky Derby.
Rich Strike was not the biggest horse, or the horse with a great record in big races.
Rich Strike only qualified for the race on Friday, the day before, after another horse scratched and was disqualified from entry.
Not the most valuable horse. Rich Strike’s owner had paid $30,000 for him, far less than the hundreds of thousands fetched by most of the animals.
Rich Strike and his jockey did not draw the best starting position. In fact, he was on the outside post, and broke last out of the gate in a field of 20 horses.
He was just part of the pack, well behind most of the way, and never had the lead until the final seconds.
In other words, this horse and his jockey had nearly everything going against them. No advantages, other than a desire to compete and a will to win. No advantage, other than to seize the opportunity that was presented.
I can’t help but think about life lessons from this event.
Real life is not a horse race. As inspirational as it may be to watch a race or competition such as this year’s Kentucky Derby, it does not represent actual life. Life is not a matter of “winning” at the expense of everyone else losing. This much is true. Life is not a zero-sum game.
On the other hand, neither is life just a participation-medal endeavor. I can’t help but think of college or even pro sports teams who make the playoffs or the championship game for the first time. With some, there can be a sense of just “glad to be here” and not really playing to win.
Our lives are shorter than we may realize. Once our lives are done, whether long or short, there is no coming back for another round. I think that people in midlife become more acutely aware of this, and of the need to make the most of the time we have. To live with purpose and intentionality. Not to try and beat everyone else, but to at least take ownership of who we are and to fashion aspects of the life we want to have.
Many–perhaps most–people do not start life with every advantage in hand. Not growing up with the biggest or best of everything. Not being favored, being a late bloomer. Some people have way more disadvantages than others. Some experience disadvantages of socio-economic status, race, and physical challenges. Some must move ahead with the consequences of poor past decisions.
Whatever the circumstances, some of you may feel like things are against you, that the odds are long of achieving even some of your aspirations and ambitions. That you can’t win no matter what. You may feel like you haven’t accomplished what you wanted in the first half of your adult life.
Remember that it isn’t over till it’s over. Especially in midlife, you may have lived much of your life feeling like you’re way back in the pack. Unnoticed. The announcers focused on the “favored” ones. But even in midlife, or later, you can still generate a burst of speed. Try something new, challenge yourself to grow, accomplish something you didn’t think you could do.
In our lives, how we finish matters more than how we start.
The Semiotics of Baseball–nine things that make baseball unique
Opening day of Major League Baseball was April 7, and college baseball is in full “swing.” So, in honor of America’s pastime, this post may seem like a departure from my usual content on life development and style for midlife men. Well, sort of. Read to the end for my concluding thoughts.
Even if you’re a reader who doesn’t like baseball (or don’t yet realize that you do), stay with me, as this is not your usual baseball article.
For one thing, I’m not arguing about why baseball is the “best” sport, or not the best. That is a fool’s errand. There is no “best” sport. But it is a genuinely unique sport, as far as team sports go, and I’ll reveal some of my thoughts on why.
So, here are some Semiotics of Baseball–nine top reasons why baseball is so unique and charmingly counterintuitive.
Often, one of the criticisms of baseball is that it is slow (and yet people watch golf!), and doesn’t compare to the action of some other team sports like football, basketball, soccer/football, and hockey. This is true, to some degree, although if you ask a real baseball fan how they can like something with comparatively little or just intermittent action, they may look at you like they don’t understand the question. It depends, perhaps, on how you define “action.” In baseball, the action is in fact often intermittent, and emotional as much as physical (kind of like life). It is important to make that distinction. Baseball specializes in delayed gratification, and immediate disappointment. An inning that begins with hits and players on base, can still end up as a scoreless inning (and frequently does). The great effort and heroics may yield no result or progress. This is something some people DON’T like about baseball, but it certainly helps make it unique.
Ballparks are not entirely standardized, and each is unique. Hitters, and fielders, must adjust to the unfamiliarities and unknowns of each ballpark. This gives new meaning to “home field advantage” beyond just the supportive fans. Yes, some parts of a ballpark must meet regulation–in particular the distance between the pitcher’s mound and home plate, the height of the pitching rubber compared with home plate, and the distance between bases. Beyond that, there are all kinds of variables. Especially in the distances to the outfield wall or the height of the walls themselves. For example, the distance to the left field fence at Boston’s Fenway Park is a relatively modest 315 feet. To compensate, the 37 foot tall “Green Monster” left field fence has been in place since 1934. This makes it a very difficult place to get a left field home run, even with the shorter distance.
There is no clock. In a complete nine-inning game, each team is allowed 27 outs, however long this takes. This can result in the most emotional tension being built up into the final at-bats of a game. A baseball game begins leisurely, each team knowing that there is a lot of game yet to play. As the scores accumulate, and the innings run down, tension can build to almost unbearable levels. The lack of time-keeping means that a team will never be beaten by the clock. There is no “taking a knee” to run out the clock, no such thing as “garbage minutes.” That is because, at least in theory, there is always the possibility that a team that is down may rally and win the game. This can become unlikely, with the odds against them, but it is always possible. Every pitch, every at-bat matters.
It is the only game (that I know of) where the defense has the ball, and teams don’t use the ball or other device to score. Rather, in baseball, PEOPLE are the ones who score, not the ball. The farther away the offense is from the ball, the better their chance of scoring. Scoring does not require invading the other team’s territory and getting the ball (or puck, etc) into the zone they are defending. Instead, players start at “home” and circulate around the bases until they once again return “home.” Have you ever noticed that home plate is shaped like a little house? How cool is that?
Short of a home run, in most cases you need other players to help you move around the bases and return home. A return to home, and a score, requires collaboration and the support of others. Sometimes it requires the sacrifice of others. One batter’s “sacrifice” fly gives another a chance to score. Is this not sometimes like life? Even the word “sacrifice” brings religious overtones to the endeavor.
Players journey all around the bases only to end where they begin, at home. One could make a comparison to the biblical account of the Garden of Eden in Genesis, where the story of humankind begins. Later, at the end of the Book of Revelation, the conclusion of the story once again ends up in a garden.
Only in baseball is a game where if no one gets a hit, no one gets on base by any other means, and no one scores, it is known as . . . a “perfect game.” How counterintuitive is that? From one perspective, the game would be considered full of flaws…but from another perspective, entirely perfect.
Baseball curates its history like no other sport, and obsesses with statistics. In a real sense, players are not just up against one other team on a given day–they are also measuring their performance against generations that have gone before.
Speaking of semiotics, players and coaches on the field literally use signs and hand signals to communicate. There are no headphones on a baseball field. Typically, those with a better perspective of the whole field and situation, such as the catcher and the third base coach, will provide “signs” to those who are in the midst of the action, and whose view is more limited.
Extra inning: Baseball is often an acquired taste. Kids enjoy playing it more than watching it. Watching a baseball game calls for patience and lack of concern with time. Don’t get involved with watching a game if you’re up against a time deadline. Who knows when it will be over? In that sense, a baseball game is like a fine restaurant meal. You’re appreciating not the quick delivery of food, but rather languishing in the experience and appreciating the attention to detail. You don’t plan fancy dinners out when you know you have to be somewhere.
As a writer on adult development, I can’t resist drawing a few comparisons from the semiotics of baseball, to our very lives. Some parallels with several of my baseball observations:
Sometimes, in life, the “action” is slow or intermittent. Other times, the tension can build to unbearable levels. Life is not non-stop action.
Our lives, like ballparks, are not to standardized dimensions. Some may feel like their life has a 37 foot “Green Monster” wall built into it. For others, the distance to the center field wall just seems farther than for others. It doesn’t seem fair, but it is reality.
There is no clock on our lives. No guarantee of a certain amount of time. For some, the innings go up and out, while others seem to go into extra innings.
Sometimes progress and success in life (i.e., scoring) isn’t entirely linear. It may involve going through cycles only to return once again to “home.” We often read the obituary of an elderly person, where it notes that they died peacefully “at home.” How appropriate is that?
Sometimes we don’t score, but make sacrifices that allow someone else to score.
Just as with a “perfect game” in baseball, our lives may seem full of flaws from one standpoint, and just about perfect from another. This dichotomy sums up life like few other things can.
What other parallels can you draw? I’d like to hear from you!
So, if you’ve subscribed for a while to “A Seasoned Life,” you’ve probably noticed that I write a mixture of content. Some of it is observations and perspectives on positive aging and life in general. Some of it is about how midlife men can re-brand and present themselves for success and influence. And some of this, naturally, speaks to our style, our clothing, grooming, and what I call our overall “Ethos.” In Aristotelian rhetoric, Ethos refers to a speaker’s presentation of him or herself, and why an audience should trust and assign them authority.
Most of us want to have a positive influence on those around us. That’s true whether at work, with family or relationships, friends, or even just people you meet in daily life.
I’ve made the point before that people will often make a judgment about us, their assumptions and what they think of us, within seconds of meeting. We may only have minutes or seconds to make the “first impression” that we want to make. To control the narrative by how we present ourselves to the world.
We create this first impression, this Ethos, in many ways. Our demeanor, confidence, the way we speak and greet others, the words we choose, the sound of our voice, the way we listen to others, our grooming, style, and clothing. Our attention to detail. These are things that give others a sense of confidence and trust in us.
In this post, I’m going to focus just on style and clothing. You may have noticed that I tend to be circumspect about giving a lot of specific style advice. I don’t consider myself an expert or authority on that. I’ve had a number of requests to do more of that, and maybe I will as time goes by.
My main emphasis so far is less on giving specific advice and more on simply the importance of paying attention to our style and how we present ourselves. To convince men that it is OK to care about this, and to give a comparable amount of attention and effort to our style as we do to some of our other interests. Style is a personal thing. Every man needs to figure out his own style, what he likes and what helps him best accomplish his goals. I’m here to help inspire you on that journey. And yes, maybe provide a bit of advice here and there.
With that in mind, I’ve culled some selected quotes on style from various mostly well-known men that may be an inspiration to you. I’ll present them here with a bit of my own commentary.
Here goes…
“I don’t follow fashion so much as I try to find clothes that make me look good. Because that never goes out of style.” ~~ Muhammad Ali (Simple wisdom from “The Greatest.” Would anyone dispute that Muhammad Ali was one of the most stylish, confident men ever? I think not!)
“You can never be overdressed or overeducated.” ~~ Oscar Wilde (If you know much about Oscar Wilde, you might differ on the “overdressed” part. But I appreciate the general idea)
“Clothes and manners do not make the man; but when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance.” ~~ Arthur Ashe (Indeed)
“It is both delusional and stupid to think that clothes don’t really matter and we should all wear whatever we want. Most people don’t take clothing seriously enough, but whether we should or not, clothes do talk to us and we make decisions based on people’s appearances.” ~~ G. Bruce Boyer, men’s style editor (“Delusional and stupid” is putting it a bit strongly. But he’s a style editor, so I guess it’s his thing)
“Dress like you own the bank. Not like you need a loan from it.” ~~ Louis Raphael (Sometimes, anyhow, when the occasion calls for it)
“Know first who you are, and then adorn yourself accordingly.” ~~ Epictetus (When given style advice from someone who was probably wearing a toga, take heed!)
“You don’t find a style. A style finds you.” ~~ Keith Richards (From Epictetus to the Rolling Stones, what can I say? They’re saying pretty much the same thing!)
“Fashion is about dressing according to what’s fashionable. Style is more about being yourself.” ~~ Oscar de la Renta (That’s why you’ll hardly ever see me using the word “fashion”)
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.” ~~ Mark Twain (You wanna have a positive influence? Put on some clothes!)
“A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.” ~~ Oscar Wilde (Wilde again, overstating as usual, but if you’re going to wear a tie, at least learn to tie it well!)
“There is one other reason for dressing well, namely that dogs respect it, and will not attack you in good clothes.” ~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (Tongue in cheek advice from someone who was normally a pretty serious guy. Or is it tongue in cheek? Maybe he’s serious, but I don’t want to find out!)
“A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.” ~~ Tom Ford (Hmm. Some of you won’t like that one, but Tom Ford is a style expert, so I had to include it)
“Men’s fashions all start as sports clothes and progress to the great occasions of state. The tailcoat, which started out as a hunting coat, is just finishing such a journey. The tracksuit is just beginning one.” ~~ Angus McGill, English journalist (We’ll see about that one. Leisure suits in the 70s never made it to the great occasions of state. But anyone with a name like Angus McGill deserves to be quoted)
“The well-dressed man is he whose clothes you never notice.” ~~ William Somerset Maugham (Google docs tried to auto-correct William Somerset Maugham to read, “…the one whose clothes…” How dare they!)
“All it takes are a few simple outfits. And there’s one secret – the simpler the better.” ~~ Cary Grant (When it came to style, that man knew what he was talking about)
“My father used to say, ‘Let them see you and not the suit. That should be secondary.’” ~~ Cary Grant (Another good one from Mr. Grant)
“A man should dress in a way that you don’t notice. He looks good and you don’t know why. But it’s the tailoring, the materials, and the clothes.” ~~ Michael Caine (Wise words from another Hollywood legend. I would add that it’s not just the clothes, it is the man they’re on)
Wrap up…
Well, I hope that gives you something to think about. We all need a little inspiration to be our best selves!
Several years ago, a colleague and I attended a conference in New York. Afterward were able to spend a couple of extra days in the city. We visited with some mutual friends there, and otherwise had the chance to blast around, taking in whatever sights we could.
Manhattan, of course, is known for its canyons of tall buildings. A density of skyscrapers, probably surpassed only by Hong Kong.
Of course, New York City is home to one of the most famous skyscrapers of them all, the Empire State Building. My visit to New York included, of course, an obligatory trip to see this fabled structure. At one time it was the world’s tallest building, but others have since surpassed it. Most of the world’s tallest buildings, by the way, are in Asia.
The Empire State Building remains unique and famous, however, not because it is the tallest building, but because of its history and its “stories.” This art deco monument has stood in the middle of Manhattan since its completion in 1931. Unbelievably, it took only a little more than a year to build, and that was right as the Great Depression was getting underway.
The Empire State Building has 102 stories.
Actually, I’m sure the building has accrued many more “stories” than that in its more than 90 years of standing watch over the city.
Ah, you see what I just did there.
We refer to the height of a building in reference to how many “stories” it has. We also call them “floors,” but I prefer “story” to that more “pedestrian” title.
In the case of the Empire State Building, the stories include absorbing the crash of a B-17 bomber on July 28, 1945, among other mishaps. And what other building has had a giant ape with a helpless blonde woman in tow, climb its heights, swatting at bi-planes encircling him all the way?
Oh wait, that didn’t actually happen.
But, it makes a good story, doesn’t it?
I imagine that the Empire State Building has lots of stories, both literal and figurative.
So why do we even use the word “Story” for the level of a building?
I get interested in questions like this, for some reason, and end up going down the rabbit hole to learn more.
There are several intriguing theories:
One explanation is rooted in the middle ages, when many or most buildings had just one level. An exception to that was churches, which were taller and more open. Often they were the tallest buildings in a town or village, and certainly that was true with the tower or steeple. And by the way, the difference between a village and a hamlet, at least in England, was that a village had a church and a hamlet did not.
The stained glass windows in a village church, or especially those in a cathedral, tell a story. Generally, a story from the Bible or from the history of the church. This was especially important in a time when many people were not literate. In this theory, the “story” was equated with the stained glass windows. Over time, the church buildings came to have more than one level, or levels of windows one above the other. The windows thus depicted different levels of the “story.”
There is also the notion that in the middle ages, in some places in Europe, people would decorate the sides of buildings with paintings or with slogans and words of wisdom. These words and pictures may have told a story, each one associated with a different level of the building.
Another theory is that medieval castles…
which were also some of the few buildings that had multiple levels, stored goods of various sorts on each level in the event of a siege. Surviving a siege, after all, is pretty much what castles were designed to do. The storage function of each level of the castle led them to be called “storeys.” Eventually, the distance between levels was standardized. “Storey” became used for a unit of measure between the levels of a building.
Some language etymologists propose that the sets of stairs between levels of a building were once called “stairies.” This eventually morphed into “stories.”
Another theory is that in using bricks or stones to construct a building, masons used a “story board” to mark the distance between levels where floorboards were to be inserted. Even today, authors, journalists, and others use the concept of the “storyboard.” Storyboards are a graphic or visual way of presenting a story, article, or narrative.
And yet another theory is that the word “story” is related to the Latin word historia, referring to narrations of the past. That makes sense, although it doesn’t really explain how the word “story” came to describe the levels of a building.
In any case, you can see that there are any number of suggestions as to how “story” became the common word for a level of a building. Some of the ideas do make more sense than others.
However the terminology came to be, the most interesting thing is that the higher a building goes, the more “stories” it has. We can think of this literally and metaphorically.
I think of it as a metaphor of our lives.
The older we are, like the Empire State Building, the more we gain “stories” that are part of what makes us interesting and influential. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (Sleepless in Seattle) didn’t decide to meet up on some random skyscraper in a generic city. No, it had to be the Empire State Building, a building that already had a lot of “stories.” They simply added some more. Oh yeah, that was also just a movie and didn’t really happen, but still…
The taller a building, the more stories or levels. The longer our lives, the more “stories” we add.
Hopefully, you’re not just a one or two-story building. I hope you are stretching skyward, and continuing to add to the stories of an already robust life.
The other question is not just how many stories you have, but how you will share them.
I have suggested in another post the idea of writing your own memoirs. This is one way to preserve our “story” and our “stories.” I believe that a life worth living is a story worth telling. True, you may not have aspirations to publish it publicly. But I think that writing down some stories from your life and making them available to your family is part of the legacy you will leave. Even if it is not comprehensive, and just outlines parts of your life story, it can still be an important part of the influence you leave behind.
Even if you don’t write it down, tell stories to your kids, your grandkids, and others to whom it may matter. Once we pass from the scene, one day, what will you leave behind that you were here? You have control of your narrative, of your story, so take the time to preserve it in a way that is meaningful.
You may prefer that your story simply be the good you have done for others, and the influence you have exerted that leaves the world a better place. Fair enough. That’s also a story. Keep adding them to the building of your life.
If you’ve followed my blog for some time, you’ve seen that finding ways to tell our story and to leave a legacy is a recurring theme of mine. Whatever your season of life, consider this.
We’ve been in the thick of NCAA March Madness, so this seems like a good time for a sports-inspired post. And also, to remind newer readers of what my blog and newsletter is all about.
Whenever I watch games, my eyes are always on the players. This is true not only of basketball, but also football, baseball, soccer, hockey, any team sport. Even with individual sports such as tennis and boxing–all eyes are on the ones playing the game.
The players are engaged in the action, the ones who score and play defense. We know many of their names, and follow their progress. Their images and names appear on posters, TV ads, and other products.
The ones on the playing field we barely see?
The officials. Also known as referees, umpires, etc.
These individuals are important to the game, to be sure. They keep order, call plays, and enforce rules. Without them, the game would become chaos. Hockey is stereotypically known for aggressiveness and even violence on the ice (more so in times gone by than these days, I think). Imagine what it would be like if there were no officials to keep whatever order there is?
So no question–the game officials are necessary and important.
But much of the time they are invisible.
Our eyes tune them out and we focus on the ones in uniform, the ones engaged in play. Only when they blow the whistle or pronounce a call do we become conscious of the referees. Then, of course if they make a call we don’t like, they become VERY visible to us, and indeed the object of wrath.
The rest of the time, however, they blend into the background. In fact, they are MEANT to be more or less invisible. Even their official clothing is designed to make them so. Notice, most of the time referees/officials wear some form of gray/white/black. This makes them both distinctive and anonymous. Your eye looks right past them so you can focus on the players.
How many college or pro level sports officials do we know by name?
Not many.
The game is about the players, not the officials. The officials try NOT to draw attention to themselves, in their dress and in their manner. They have a very specific function on the field of play, an important one, but are best when they draw little or no attention. (Sometime I’ll write a separate post on the importance of referees, but not today)
Has it occurred to you that sports are a lot like life?
On the field of play there are the athletes/players, and there are the officials. The ones we see, and the ones we don’t.
In life men in their late 40s and 50s can easily find themselves becoming “invisible.” Feeling irrelevant. Their career may have peaked. Kids are grown, or mostly so. No little ones crowding around the door, yelling “Daddy’s home!” and making you feel like a king. A bit of weight gain, hair loss, and the hair that remains is getting gray.
Many men start to feel this invisibility creep in, this blending into the background, much like officials or referees in a game. Invisible, anonymous, not noticed until you really need them. It perhaps is no wonder that men heading into that season of life may experience a crisis.
Next thing they know, they are given a “senior discount” without asking for it–or even being old enough for it. Or told, “You look great for your age.” Not just “You look great,” but the key phrase–”for your age.” The reality that life is half-lived, or more than half, can hit hard for many.
Ok, this can sound depressing, I get it!
But it is a fact that many men (and women) experience this transition into middle adulthood as something not altogether positive.
I’m claiming that, to the contrary, these midlife years can be some of your best ever!
Yes, perhaps you do need to experience a wake-up call, noticing that the person looking back from the mirror is no longer a youth or young adult.
That wake-up call can be what you need to shift from invisible anonymity to taking your place as a player on the field.
I prefer to think of it as a “mid-life adjustment” rather than a “crisis.”
This adjustment begins with the decision to embrace the age you are, and the season of life you are in. Not to try to be young, or dress or act younger, but to embrace the age you are. To realize that life is not half-over, it is only half-lived.
In my own case, during those years, I had an epiphany that my appearance and how I present myself matters, and that it is OK to care about it. Just because that is not the most important thing about ourselves, does not mean it is NOT important at all.
I decided to take ownership of what I have come to call my personal Ethos.
Our Ethos is how others perceive us, and how we create credibility, trust, and positive influence with others. What I describe as our overall “Ethos” (to use Aristotle’s term, and which I unpacked in this earlier post: The Influence of Your Ethos).
This involves developing our own sense of style, as well as taking better care of our body and inner life as well. Doing those things changes the way other people experience us, and puts us more in control of how we come across. As I say, a personal upgrade for midlife.
This involves giving ourselves permission to care about our appearance and presence. You may hear some men say, “A real man doesn’t care how he looks,” or “I don’t care how I look, I just want to be comfortable.” These often are just alibis for not knowing what to do to improve oneself. For being embarrassed to take a first step to self-improvement. A man who says he doesn’t care how he looks often doesn’t care about a lot of other important things either.
But the fact is, our appearance does matter.
Everyone cares about this. Men have always cared. If we didn’t, we would just put on a burlap sack and go with that.
To be clear, it is not just about clothes. Mine is not a fashion or style blog, and there are lots of other style resources out there. Our style factors in, and I’ll talk about that sometimes, but it is only part of the equation. There are many aspects to a midlife upgrade, or adjustment. What people see is important, to be sure, and starting there can create some of the most immediate visible results.
My blog and website is devoted to providing resources and perspectives for midlife men. Re-branding for success in midlife, so to speak. Especially in the age range 45-60. I do have a number of female readers, and those who are either younger or older than that demographic. For some reason, a number of people in their early 30s seem to like what I do, even though I’m writing to an older audience. For that I’m grateful!
I’ll continue to provide reflective, philosophical, and practical content that can help you experience midlife in positive and productive ways. As always, I welcome hearing from you with any questions or ideas you may have.
In the meantime, enjoy the rest of the games, and remember to see yourself as one of the players in life, not one of the referees.
Depending on the source, life expectancy in the US is currently right around 79 years. That’s averaging men and women, and all races together. Give or take a bit, but there it is.
If you’re 40 years old, by that standard you’ve already lived half of your life.
If you are 55 years old, well, you get the idea…
Of course, many people live longer than 79 years. Many don’t live that long. But because someone (probably insurance companies) have worked out what the average is, it becomes easy to see that age as our entitled goal, our expiration date. That somehow we assume we’ll live that long, if not longer.
Traditionally, the phrase “three score and ten” was seen as representing a full and long life. This phrase comes from the book of Psalms, chapter 90: “The Days of our years are threescore and ten,” which is an old-fashioned way of saying “70” (a “score” was twenty. 3 x 20 +10 = 70). So even in ancient Israel, more than 2000 years ago, living to age seventy was seen as pretty good.
In any case, just because the average life expectancy is 79 years, we’re not guaranteed that length of time. It’s just an average. In this case, “expectancy” refers to where we see our end point. Our expiration date. We can expect, at some point, for our life to end.
This is how we’re used to talking about “life expectancy.” Kind of depressing, isn’t it? It seems more like “death expectancy.”
But what if we think of “life expectancy” in different terms?
Not how many years we may live, but what do we “expect” of this life, of our time on this earth?
When a woman is pregnant, we often euphemistically say she is “expecting.” New life is within her, and she is anticipating and looking forward to the time when she can hold her baby in her arms. She is looking forward to beginnings, not to endings.
What are you expecting of this life? Are you anticipating and looking forward to something new? Or are you caught in a “Groundhog Day” cycle of the same old thing, for the foreseeable future, until you reach your expiration date?
Synonyms of “expectancy” or “expectant” include words like these:
Do these words describe how you feel about your life, your future?
For some people, anticipation and hope lies with plans for retirement, something that may yet be years away.
Today, right now, is really the only time we have to work with. We can’t change the past, and our future is not guaranteed. What we do in the present will influence our future, but we can’t live in the future either. We can plan and prepare for the future, but we can only live in the now.
What if ‘life expectancy’ is not looking toward the day when we will die, but rather focusing on the life we expect to live right now? Every day, we all are getting older. We can’t get younger, and shouldn’t try. We can’t keep from getting older either, and shouldn’t try. But we can live our best life here and now. We can be the best version of ourselves, in our inner and outer lives.
What are you “expecting” of life? What steps are you taking to achieve your expectations? If you are feeling “stuck” in your current season, there are steps you can take to jar things loose and make the most of your season.
Define your identity–tell your own story
People change. Adults continue to develop throughout their life-cycle. There was a time when studies in human development focused mainly on birth to young adulthood. Admittedly, this is the time of life when greatest change seems to occur. But that doesn’t mean development simply stops. Adults don’t reach a plateau by age 30 and then stay basically the same until old age and death. We have learned that adults continue to work through stages of development throughout their lives. There are transitions between these stages that are themselves micro seasons of development.
You want to get the most out of the seasons and transitions of adulthood, to leverage them to your advantage. It helps to recognize the changes you’ve experienced, and that you are not the same person you were ten or twenty years ago. it helps to continue to re-define your identity as an adult.
I’ll develop how to do this more completely in a future post, but for now, do recognize and accept the fact that change occurs throughout adulthood. Life Expectancy requires you to re-define and re-negotiate with yourself who you are in each season of life.
A helpful tip in this regard is to take responsibility for defining yourself, and not allowing others to define you. It is too easy to develop our own self-understanding based on what other people think or say about us. To be sure, our identity is certainly shaped by our history and context, and influenced by others. But it is still your option to control your own narrative, to tell your own story.
Set goals
Having something you’re working toward helps prevent “Groundhog Day” syndrome, of feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle and going nowhere.
Some people set goals for everything in their lives. You may already be organized like that. Not everyone is. I’m not. Some of us do well to have even a couple of goals.
If you’re in a space where you’re feeling “stuck,” and currently functioning without identifiable goals, this may be the time to sit down and create some. And think outside of your work or professional life. Many people are used to working with goals in that context. But what about you personally? Do you have goals for your own development and improvement as a person?
There are lots of resources on goal-setting. Just google and you can find many articles, books, courses, etc. So nothing I say here is new information. But it never hurts for a quick review.
Some tips on goal-setting:
Choose something that matters to you. Something that is relevant, that will make you a better person.
Make sure it is attainable. If it isn’t really attainable, then it is more of a dream than a goal. It is ok to have dreams too, most of us do. All of us have a bit of the “Walter Mitty” inside of us. But we don’t function in the world of dreams day-to-day. Reasonable goals are what keep us moving forward. And who knows, maybe if we accomplish enough of our goals then some of our dreams will come true as well?
Write it down. Somehow the act of writing it down makes it more real. You can type it out, of course, if you prefer. But there is something to be said for the old-school approach of using a pen and paper. Get a little notebook that you can use for things like this, and write down your goals.
Tell someone about it. Just as with writing it down, telling someone of your goal creates accountability and support.
Create a plan. Just having a goal isn’t enough. Break it down into actionable steps that you can measure as you accomplish them.
Don’t give up!
Stretch your comfort zone–do something that is hard
In mid-life we can tend to settle, to play it safe, to go with what we know. But the way to growth and getting unstuck is to try something new. Don’t set goals that are just a refinement of things you already do. Try something different, something that will stretch you, something that is hard, something that will add value to your life.
Think of the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World.” How did he get to be so interesting? Not by playing it safe, doing only what he knows, never trying anything new.
What might be something new, for you? Perhaps you could learn a new language (now there’s something hard! But download the DuoLingo app and give it a try!). Maybe join Toastmasters and develop your public speaking skills. Get a guitar and learn to play it. Learn photography. Something, anything, that will enhance your life and make you more interesting to others–and to yourself.
In my case, starting this newsletter / blog is the fulfillment of a goal that I’ve been thinking about and working toward for the past couple of years.
It would have been easier for me just not to do it…
It requires a commitment of time (I spent several hours this weekend thinking through and writing this post), and of learning some new skills. Mailchimp, for example, was new to me and I had to figure out how to create a newsletter with it. I worked on it off and on for several weeks before sending my first post. It shouldn’t have been that hard, but for me, that sort of thing is like learning a new language.
Now, for the next step I’m working on developing a WordPress website, where I’ll transition the newsletters as blog posts. That way anyone that has the link will be able to access it.
I’m finding that building a WordPress website is extraordinarily difficult. At least it is for me. I thought that creating a Mailchimp newsletter was hard, but not like this! Admittedly, I may end up needing some help to get it done before long (learn when to ask for help!), but I’ve been studying and working at it. I know more about building a website now than I did before. So, that’s progress toward a goal.
The point being that I don’t have to do this newsletter / blog. It isn’t part of my work responsibilities. The main benefit is my own personal development, in my thinking and writing, in technical skills, and in being able to pass something of value along to others.
If I didn’t do this, I would have more time for watching Netflix. So then.
Take some risks
This is related to stretching your comfort zone, but not exactly the same. You can stretch yourself and try something hard without it representing much of an actual risk.
Learning to play the guitar may be hard, but there’s not much risk to it. That is, unless you decide to join a band and get up on the stage at a club. Yeah, I can see some risks to that.
Risk involves something that has potential benefit, but also potential or inherent danger or downside. It doesn’t have to be something major or life threatening. You don’t have to wrestle a python or become a test pilot in order to take a risk. In fact, it may not involve physical danger at all.
Risk may be physical, but also professional, relational, social, financial, etc.
Risk doesn’t have to be an end in itself, but ideally can serve some larger purpose as part of your life expectancy.
Probably the biggest risk I have taken was a number of years ago when I was about 45. I had been serving for many years as pastor of adult ministries in a sizeable church, a position that I liked and knew well. It would have been easy to stay on, or to look for something similar or that would be a natural stepping stone to advancement.
Instead, I had the opportunity to serve as regional director with a small, but nationwide, campus ministry organization. I had never worked in campus ministry before. And what is more, this position didn’t come with a salary–I had to raise my own support from donors to the ministry. This involved basically becoming a salesman, convincing others of the value of the ministry and of what I would be doing.
Understand–I was 45 years old, with two kids, ages 9 and 13 at the time. I left a reasonably well-paying position for something that seemed like, well, a big risk. But I was convinced of the importance and value of the new role, and believed strongly that it was what I should do.
And it was hard, and there was risk.
Raising support was not easy, but I did it. The networking I did for the role was not easy, but I did it. We had several significant successes, and added some key people, in ways that in the long-term contributed to establishing the ministry for a solid future.
I was only with that organization for three or four years, when it morphed into a position with another organization in the Portland area. Meanwhile, I sought out the opportunity to do some adjunct teaching. Once I got started with that, it led to other opportunities. Before long I was teaching or advising at three different institutions in the Portland area, and teaching online for an out-of-state university with a very large and well-known online program.
Ultimately, these different roles and opportunities segued into a full time academic administrator position with a nationally known doctoral program at George Fox University, where I have been since 2008. I’ve had amazing experiences in this role, and have developed a network of colleagues around the world.
None of this would have happened if I had not taken the risk. I probably would have left that church for something else eventually. But if I had I gone to something safer, I would not have grown and had the experiences I’ve had over the years.
Now, taking a risk doesn’t require quitting your job.
It doesn’t mean going mountain climbing or kayaking waterfalls (although it might).
But a risk might involve something unexpected, something with potential upside and downside–which it is depends on what you make of it. It might be a big risk. Or it might just be a small one. But do be willing to risk from time to time.
So, what do you expect?
What is your Life Expectancy? Most of you reading this are at some point of mid-life. No one knows the days or years that remain.
What are you expecting? What are you doing to realize those expectations? I hope you will take control of your own narrative, and tell the story of your life the way you want it to be.
Soylent Green is People! You’ve probably heard that before.
“Soylent Green” is a 1973 film envisioning a dystopian future on an earth ravaged by overpopulation and pollution. In that future world, a climate crisis of massive heat waves has depleted resources and threatens starvation.
Most of the food is manufactured by Soylent Industries, with the main product being “Soylent Green,” supposedly made of plankton from the oceans. Charlton Heston stars as a detective investigating the murder of a corporate executive with connections to Soylent Industries. In the process he discovers that Soylent Green has some strange and unexpected ingredients.
Spoiler alert! Well, what does it matter? The film dates from 50 years ago, and if you haven’t seen it by now you’re probably not going to. So you might as well allow me to cut to pull back the curtain on the plot.
That’s right, kids. In 1973 we imagined that this was the year we would be so desperate for a food source that we would be (unknowingly) consuming food made of recycled human remains.
Fifty years in the future. So, dystopian films have had appeal for a long time.
The only thing more depressing than the premise of the film is that I’m old enough to remember seeing it on its release in 1973! I was 16 years old at the time. My friends and I were enjoying the delicious freedom of newly-minted drivers licenses and access to family cars. I remember watching Soylent Green at one of several drive-in movie theaters that then existed in Salem, Oregon. We probably watched it two or three times over that summer, as we did with other films. They didn’t seem to produce and release as many movies in those days, so we tended to watch the same ones over again.
Little could I imagine in 1973 what life, and my own life, would actually be like almost 50 years later. At least we’re not eating Soylent Green. Not yet anyhow.
It was easy to expect that things would be a lot worse in the future, because, well, it was the future. Full of dark unknowns. A tendency we still have. These days, it is also tempting to imagine that the past was better than the present. Well, if you didn’t already know, 1973 wasn’t all great either (unless you were 16 years old with a newly minted drivers license, then life really was pretty great).
That year, and the several years preceding and following it, saw innumerable challenges and problems. The Vietnam war was winding down, leaving a divided American with more than 50,000 American families grieving, and more than one million Vietnamese families doing the same. We had suffered political assassinations and attempted assassinations (Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., George Wallace, Gerald Ford, among others). In 1973 we were in the middle of the Watergate scandal. Just several years earlier we had experienced the 1968/69 flu epidemic, resulting in the deaths of more than 100,000 Americans, and many more worldwide. Not as bad as COVID, but still a plight. The first middle eastern oil crisis was in 1973, resulting in gas shortages and long lines at gas stations just to get a rationed amount of gas at inflated prices. Soon there would be double digit inflation, interest rates, and unemployment. Known as the “Misery Index” in the Carter administration. The Cold War with the Soviets was in full steam, and the threat of nuclear war seemed very real indeed.
Wait, isn’t that what people say at the end of EVERY year?
Or did we think that the “good riddances” just started recently? That things are worse now than they ever have been?
Yeah, those were just a few of the big-ticket problems and challenges of that era. And just when we thought things couldn’t be worse, the 70s also had disco, leisure suits, and platform shoes. Oh, the indignity. But sure, there were lots of good things too (especially if you were age 16 with a newly minted drivers license). I’m just trying to remember what they were.
Oh yeah, the 1970s were (in my opinion) one of the greatest sports decades of all time. There’s that. We had Olympic swimming champion Mark Spitz, whose gold medal record stood until Michael Phelps surpassed it. There was Muhammad Ali. And Secretariat, along with three horse racing Triple Crown winners. We had Reggie Jackson, Billie Jean King, and Julius Erving (Dr. J). We had OJ Simpson and Pete Rose, who both had, you know, Problems later on. But they sure were great on the field. Heck, even my hometown Portland Trailblazers won an NBA championship, something that has eluded them ever since.
The United States bicentennial celebration was in 1976. It provided a bright spot of optimism in a rather clouded era. Who could then imagine what life would be like fifty years hence? The USA will celebrate 250 years of independence in 2026. What will life be like just four years from now? What will it be like fifty years from now? (many of us won’t be around to compare)
And we had great music in that era, for sure (disco not included) and some pretty good movies too. I wouldn’t consider Soylent Green as one of them, but it does provide a window into that time, and maybe some insight into ours as well.
We like to think that when we turn the calendar from one year to the next, things will be better, simply because it is a new year. But the calendar is just a way of measuring time, not a guarantee that something is going to change one way or another. We need perspective.
It is easy, and often strangely satisfying, to worry and catastrophize about the future. Much as Soylent Green prodded us to do in 1973 (and nearly constantly every year since). It is likewise easy to look back and think that the past was somehow better than the present. Just because it is the past. I notice that tendency anytime I read the comments on 60s and 70s music on YouTube. Younger people longing for that era, wishing they had been born then, saying that times were better. Maybe, maybe not.
We can focus on the bad and think that times are now worse than they’ve ever been. But the past wasn’t always as good as people often assume or “remember” it being. And the future may not be as bad as we fear. Realistically, once we’re in it, some of the future may indeed seem worse, and some will seem better. That’s the way it always goes.
Welcome to 2022
Now, if I start to see Soylent Green appear on the shelves at my local grocery, yeah, then I’ll worry…
A new year, on one hand, is just a turn of the calendar page. One of the ways in which we mark time. But nothing is necessarily different on January 1 than on December 31, the day before. We start a new year with high hopes, looking for ways it may be better than the last. That has been especially true the past couple of years, when we’ve been more eager than usual to say good riddance to the year just passing.
Don’t passively expect this year to be better just because the calendar has turned. Instead, take some control over making it better.
There are lots of ways you can do this, but here’s one suggestion as we begin this new year:
Learn Something New
For some, more is better, so the temptation is to take on too much and try and learn LOTS of new things at the same time. And then, probably, lose focus and not learn any of them.
Or perhaps the temptation is to expect to learn one thing at an Expert level. To feel like you need to invest the proverbial 10,000 hours in order to truly master something. And if you can’t do that, why bother?
I suggest that you set a reasonable bar. Pick something that is NOT essential to your job, career, or profession. You are expected to master things in that area, or stay on top of new trends or job skills, so that doesn’t count.
Rather, just pick something you’ve wanted to do, or thought about doing, and commit to learning it to some reasonable degree. To a level that is “good enough” to enjoy yourself and make you a more interesting person. As I’ve pointed out in another post, it is ok to have a goal of proficiency rather than mastery. Especially if the activity or skill is just for your own amusement and enjoyment.
I had pointed out in that post that to achieve proficiency in many things may only take 30 hours or so. You can do that in less than an hour a week, and one year from now be proficient in something you currently do not know how to do.
Some things won’t even take 30 hours. Just pick something, and look up how to do it on YouTube. Practice it a few times, and you’ve got it.
Other things may take a little longer, but are not as monumentally difficult to learn to a proficient and enjoyable degree.
Need some ideas, in case you’re uninspired? How about these?
Play an instrument--No, you don’t need to be Eric Clapton or Yo-Yo Ma. Pick something easy, like the harmonica or the tin whistle. Or, try a harder instrument like piano or guitar, and learn just one thing on it for starters. Like the piano intro to “Let it Be” by the Beatles. You don’t need to read music for this, just look up on YouTube how to do it, and put in some practice. Everyone will be impressed.
Speed reading–find one of the methods that works for you and put in some practice. Even modest gains in reading speed will pay off, and once you learn some principles, you can keep working on it.
Learn a language–sure, aim for mastery if you are so inclined, but you don’t need to be. Maybe it is enough to learn some greetings and pleasantries, or just how to get around in one or two of the countries you are most likely to visit. Or, choose a language for reading knowledge rather than speaking, which is a different and equally useful skill.
Learn to draw–there are so many resources out there for self-instruction on drawing! Keep it focused, till you see if you like it. For example, learn some basic cartoons or animations, or how to do simple pen and ink or charcoal drawings. If you like it, take it further. If not, well, you’ve at least learned a bit of one new thing.
Magic–Entertain your grandkids, or nieces and nephews, with the old “pull the coin from behind their ear” trick. How hard can that be?
Build a website–Hey, even I learned to do this over this past year or two–you can too!
Woodworking–This could be anything from building furniture, to small projects, or just whittling or carving.
Home repair DIY–This is practical, and you’ll use some of these skills sooner or later. You can even take DIY classes (often free) at your local Home Depot or Lowe’s. Why not do this and learn a new skill? See “Woodworking” above, as you can often take free or low cost local classes.
Furniture refinishing–You can teach this to yourself without classes. ‘Cause, Google and YouTube…
Cooking or baking–Every man needs to know a few basics, or have a couple of signature dishes you do really well. Learn to bake an apple pie–you’ll always have friends.
Outdoor sports/skills–Maybe a whole new sport, like fly fishing (my own recommendation, which I’ll talk about more another time), cross-country skiing, archery, etc. Or, if you’re already an outdoors person, maybe something small like how to start a fire without matches or in wet weather. Who knows when this may come in handy after you get stranded on an island like Tom Hanks in Castaway?
Cards or table games–Learn a new card game or two. Or if you’re up to it, something harder, like chess. People spend a lifetime mastering chess, but I imagine that in 30 hours or so you could gain some proficiency. And prove yourself a man of the world at the same time!
Learn CPR–And hope you never actually have to use it!
Public speaking–If you dare! Improving in this can change your life. There are some great resources out there like Toastmasters International if you want formal instruction and practice.
Summary
You get the idea. I’ve tried to prime the pump with some ideas, but what you do and what you learn is up to you. There is value in the new skill itself, as well as in your investment of yourself in learning it.
What will you gain from it?
Confidence
Relaxation and stress reduction
Serve as an example for others
Be a creator and not just a consumer
Serve others, save money (as with DIY stuff)
Develop a possible marketable skill
Entertain others
Be a more interesting person
Don’t put it off–let this be the year you pick something new and learn it! Email me and let me know what you plan to work on…
For the past two years or so, many parts of our lives have seemed to come apart at the seams. Or, to get pretty frayed at the least. I don’t need to describe the frustrations, fears and uncertainties created by the COVID pandemic, economic uncertainties, and chaotic politics. We’ve all felt them. We’ve seen the effects on families, friendships, and in the workplace.
People cope with the stresses and changes in many ways. Some are helpful, some not.
I propose that a renewed emphasis on traditions and rituals can help us through times like this. Or though any times, for that matter.
And what better season to emphasize traditions than the end-of-year holiday season?
Before I say more–yes, there is value in change! There is beauty in innovation and fresh ideas. I get that, and am all for it.
But there is value in tradition as well, in the rootedness that comes from connecting with the rituals and practices of others, and in preserving our own memories and priorities. Keeping traditions helps us focus on others and what they have left for us, and not just on ourselves.
Our English word, tradition, comes from the Latin via Old French. The Oxford English Dictionary points to an origin in the 13th century, the act of handing over or transmitting an idea, concept, or religious teaching for safekeeping. Certainly, tradition is often associated with religion, but it goes way beyond that to many parts of our lives.
If you’ve been a regular reader here on “A Seasoned Life,” you know that I like to focus on perspectives that come with the passing of time. So, examining something like tradition, and connecting the past with the present, is like catnip to me. I set out in this post just to write a little something about our family Christmas traditions, but find it tempting to go down a rabbit hole for a deep dive on the subject of tradition in general. But I’m going to discipline myself to keep it simple! I do want to ruminate on tradition just a little, and then loop into why the holiday season makes traditions easy and fun. Bear with me.
The word tradition or traditional can get either positive or negative spin. It depends on the context. At holiday time, the word tends to have a rosy glow. Other times, like in a business meeting, it might be seen as something holding everyone back (we’ve always done it this way!)
For now, I’ll focus on the positives of tradition. I’ll write about the need for innovation and change another time.
Why do traditions and rituals matter? And how might they give stability in difficult and chaotic times?
Keeping traditions does not mean giving up on change or creativity. It just means that in the midst of change and even chaos, it is important to remember. To remember who we are and where we have come from. Who we are and what we have did not start with us. It started with others over much time past. Each generation adds a little something to it, something for the future to remember. We can add to our traditions, update them, and create new ones. Rules don’t apply!
Some traditions are just fun and even a little goofy. Sports come to mind. Think of football fans who go shirtless in frosty weather, torsos painted in team colors. Yeah, those guys. They’re carrying on a tradition.
Just recently I watched on TV as our hometown Major League Soccer team, the Portland Timbers, played the New York City Football Club for the MLS championship. And lose to them. But it was oh so close! I’m new to MLS soccer, this being one of the first games I’ve watched, even on TV. Evidently, the fans of the “Timbers Army” have developed a number of traditions that keep a game’s excitement going. One of these is that every time the Timbers score a goal, a guy with a chainsaw cuts a round off the end of a log. Then the player that scored the goal runs around with it hoisted above his head, while the crowd sings, chants, and shoots off green smoke cannons.
Yeah, I can see becoming a fan of that! Also, at the 80th minute of home games the crowd joins in singing, “You Are My Sunshine.” Wait, what? Such a delightfully random tradition! The soccer version of “Take me out to the Ball Game” in baseball’s 7th inning stretch. Is the song just wistful aspiration in cloudy, rain-soaked Portland? Or maybe it expresses the fans’ love and dedication to the team? It is a wonderful tradition. And it turns out that there is a backstory to how it developed, as is often the case with good traditions: https://www.timbers.com/news/oregonian-explains-origin-you-are-my-sunshine-backcut
See? The tradition is delightful on its own. But if you know that backstory, it carries an even deeper meaning.
This is often the case. Many traditions have a story, and serve as an impetus for people to come together, to tell the story, to remember, and to connect. The act or ritual may seem random and disconnected, to all but those who know the story.
Traditions are one way that memories of people from the past stay alive in the present. Traditions that carry a story connect us to those people. Creating and keeping traditions also preserves our own memories. The stories and traditions we create now become a legacy in the future. Tradition and ritual connects us to the past, enriches the present, and paves a way for the future. The religions of the world have long understood the importance of this.
So then, how about those Christmas and holiday traditions?
In my family, when our kids were growing up, we didn’t do a lot with holidays, except for Christmas. For that, we went all out. We borrowed traditions, tried some that didn’t stick, and made up new ones. I could list a number of them that we practice, large and small, but I’ll mention just a few.
Some of our rituals revolve around the tree, as with many people. We still go to a nearby tree farm and pick one out to cut fresh. Since Oregon is the nation’s #1 producer of Christmas trees, that makes it easy.
Our family has several traditions that revolve around the tree, but one of the most meaningful has to do with how we dispose of it after Christmas. Many people have the yard debris recycling pick it up, or leave it to the Boy Scouts (do they still do that?). We do something a little different.
After we un-decorate the tree and take it outside, I lop off all the branches. These I do put into the recycling. But I keep the tree trunk and leave it beside the house to dry, under an eave. It spends an entire year there.
Prior to the next Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, I cut last year’s Christmas tree trunk into fireplace-length pieces. Our family then has a little ritual of burning last year’s tree trunk in the fireplace as part of the current year’s celebration.
This simple tradition enables our family to intentionally connect the seasons and the memories of past years, while making new memories in the present. There is something positive in recognizing the rhythms and cycles of time shared with family. It also maximizes the life of the tree, serving first as a decoration, and a year later adding warmth and light.
That is just one example. Of course, you need a wood-burning fireplace or stove for this one, but you get the idea. There are many simple ways of creating or borrowing small rituals or traditions that can enrich our lives, and the Christmas season is one of the easiest times to do so. There are so many possibilities in a season filled with food, dressing up, gifts, decorations, and so on. Perhaps a favorite Christmas movie (Die Hard, anyone?).Maybe some new thing you serve to eat or drink, or something quirky you wear for Christmas Eve or Christmas Day, or New Year’s Day. Why not? Make it unlike other days–that’s why we have holidays!
Think about some of the things you are already doing, and consider how some intentionality and purpose could make it into a tradition. Some up with a story to go with it, and pass that along to your family. Traditions and rituals without a story may seem like random practices. It is the story that gives power to traditions. It doesn’t even have to be a powerful, mystical tale. Some simple or amusing connection will do. If you are in midlife or older, you have plenty of life experience and memories to draw from–so now is the time to invoke that and become the curator for passing those memories and traditions along to others. The great thing about tradition is that it doesn’t look just to the past. It also points us to and connects us with our future.
Back to the point I made in the beginning.
We’ve been through many stresses the past couple of years, a lot of changes. It may be that maintaining some familiar traditions and rituals may be just the thing to provide some stability and rootedness. We need a reminder that there was life before COVID, and life will continue after it finally does diminish. Whatever we can do to create some fun, laughter, and connection with our past and our future will help us thrive with whatever may come our way.
Our homes shape our lives and become part of who we are.
Look at these two views of the same house.
I walk by this house regularly. Taking these two photos got me thinking about our homes, and the way they influence our lives. My mind went on a bit of a riff, and the result is a Thanksgiving reflection piece on the role of our physical homes in our lives.
Time marches on and no physical objects are permanent (although some last a lot longer than others). This farmhouse is within walking distance of my house. I talked with the owners one time and they told me that it had been built in 1910. These people had grown up in the house as kids, in the 1950s. But the house had already been there for more than 40 years by then.
The second photo shows what it looked like when I walked by the other day. Earlier that morning, workers had torn it down completely. All that remains is a pile of boards and splinters. Soon there will be a new housing development in its place, and the cycle will begin all over again. Possibly 110 years from now these new houses or condos will be removed to make way for yet something else.
I’ve walked by this house many times. I’ve wondered, What was Christmas like for a family there in 1915? What were their lives like during the Great Depression? What was the family doing when they heard the news of the attack on Pearl Harbor, or of JFKs assassination?
Things change, yes. But I thought it proper to pay respects to this old house. Soon few will remember that it was ever even there. But it made a difference for at least some people while it lasted, and became a part of some lives.
What was your house (or houses) like growing up?
Some of you may have lived in the same place for all of your childhood and youth. Others have moved many times. Each place we live has a way of leaving its mark on us. What are the ways our homes and spaces shape our lives?
My family lived in several different houses from the time I was two years old until I left for college. We had moved a couple of times when I was very young, and I don’t remember those places. But the first house I do remember was the old, two-story farmhouse where we lived when I was a kid, outside of the small town of Dallas, Oregon.
The house was old when we lived there in the early 1960s.
In fact it was built with square nails (several of which I still have as souvenirs, from that very house. Yes, I collect unusual mementos. A google search reveals that manufactured round wire nails replaced square nails by about 1880. So this house was probably built sometime in the 1860s or 1870s. This made it a very old structure in a far western state at that time. It was several decades older than the farmhouse in the photo above, and around 90 years old at the time we lived there.
We have a few family pictures from our years in that house, until we moved out when I was about 8 years old. Mostly, I have mental images of the inside and outside, surprisingly clear to this day. The 1910 farmhouse in the photo above reminds me in some ways of our own farmhouse of my childhood. Not the same, but some things in common. It may be in better shape (prior to being torn down) than my childhood farmhouse, if you can believe that.
The thing is, like the 1910 farmhouse, my old childhood house also no longer exists. It hasn’t for more than 55 years. Our family moved out of it into another old house that was on the place, when I was in grade school.
And then my dad and grandfather burned it down.
That’s right–it suffered a similar fate as the house in the photo. They decided that it was just too old and decrepit to keep up, and with another place on the farm to move into, the old two-story farmhouse met its fate. First, they tore out some of the usable wood, and removed the fixtures and such. And then just set it afire.
On the day they burned it, I still remember my dad rushing down to our house at the bottom of the hill where we had moved, about a half mile away. My brother and I were watching Saturday morning cartoons. My dad said we needed to see this fire. So we piled into the old pickup and headed up the hill, where the house was already ablaze.
To a young boy, such a fire was indeed an impressive sight. I think my grandfather overlooked notifying the fire department in town that they were doing this. He had a habit of lighting random fires around the place as it was (and using dynamite–which in those days could be purchased at the farm supply store–for blowing stumps. Also impressive to my young self). The burning farmhouse was on a hill and visible from town, and the fire department sent a truck out to deal with it. Then they found that it was burning on purpose. That wasn’t the only time the fire department paid a visit to our place, but those are stories for another time.
In any case, I think often of that house, and how several generations of earlier occupants had lived life there.
It was something of a pioneer house, one that dated to an early period of Oregon’s settlement. Perhaps the original builders had come over on the Oregon Trail. When the house was new, in the 1870s, there would have been no electricity, plumbing, indoor toilet. There was no heat besides a wood stove. Other than the addition of rudimentary plumbing and wiring, it had probably not changed much even by the time our family lived there.
There are now very few such houses left in Oregon from that era. Even as a boy, I think I was aware that I was living in something historical, and it left an impression on me. Hence, I even kept several of the square nails from it. I have them to this day–early evidence somehow of my propensity to connect objects with time and place.
I’m a student of history, and I’ve wondered if having lived in something historical is part of what has shaped that. As a child in that house, I could sense history and the passage of time around me. I was aware the house was old, although time is difficult for a child to grasp. The places and spaces in which we live form and shape who we are.
Fast forward several decades from then to my early 30s, when my wife and I bought our first house.
Thirty years later, it still is our first house (although not our first home).
That’s right, we’ve now lived in the same house since 1991. My career has kept me in the same town throughout that time. We somehow never needed or got around to moving from this place. Our house is now almost 60 years old, built in 1962. So it wasn’t new when we bought it. It had only a couple of other owners in the first 30 years. I know nothing about them, but I’ve often wondered what their lives were like, these people who once called my home their home.
We raised our children here. Our son was two when we moved in, and our daughter was born a couple of years later. Now both grown and on their own, this is the only home they had known, so I know that it has shaped their lives.
I’ve become attached to the place, I’ll admit, and the house has shaped me.
I’ve painted the outside myself, several times over the years. And the entire interior several times as well. I learned something about roofing when my dad and a friend helped me replace the roof, now many years ago. Good thing it was 40 year roofing! I learned how to hang wallpaper, when that was still in style. And how to remove it, when it wasn’t (and to know that I will never use wallpaper again–what were we thinking?!). And I learned how to install flooring, and do a bit of masonry, basic plumbing, and so on.
This house has taught me many skills. I’ve shaped it and it has shaped me. The attic holds boxes and boxes of memories. These are things that someday may no longer be worth keeping, but until we move, there they are. The small garden yielded food for our family when our kids were young, and does to this day. We have a shelf of photo albums, and now files of digital photos over the years, of life in this house. Thirty years of Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, first days of school, graduations. Thirty years of upkeep, cleaning, maintenance, and remodeling. The house has taken me from young adult to a man in my 60s.
More than just a place of shelter, our homes shape our lives.
We decorate them, furnish them, clean them, and repair them. They reflect our personality, and are an extension of ourselves. We dream dreams and make memories in these places of wood, stone, and brick. These structures are witness to lives that unfold within.
I credit the inspiration for the title of this post to country singer Miranda Lambert and her song, The House That Built Me. This song is her musing on the way her own childhood home shaped her life journey, much as I’ve reflected on mine.
Many of my readers will gather for the US Thanksgiving holiday this week, in homes where you’ve perhaps lived for a long time or short. As you gather, with family and friends around, be mindful of the place and space you occupy. Be thankful for it, and take it not for granted. Even if it is just a transitional dwelling, and not a home of 30 years, you still live a bit of your life in this space, and make some memories of this day in time. Hold it close, and respect whatever space it is that becomes part of who you are. For someday, like the two houses I’ve described above, it likely won’t be there anymore. But you’ll carry a bit of it with you for years.
(By the way, you can be sure that I will paste this post into my Memoirs that I’m writing. It will make a great addition to part of my childhood section)
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