trying too hard versus giving up

Posted on September 8, 2020

Trying too hard versus giving up.

You’re grown up.

You have an identity. Or at least thought you did.

What works, works. You’ve been presenting yourself to the world the same way for years. Why change it?

Guess what? People change.

You’ve heard the saying that the cells in our bodies replace themselves every seven years? That every seven years we’re an entirely new person? It turns out that this is only partly true. Some cells stay with us our entire lives. Others are replaced quickly and regularly (skin cells only last 14 days or so). Others take years to regenerate. Some have calculated that on that basis, the average duration of cells is about seven years.

Without getting too deep into the science of it, suffice to say that our bodies have the sense to evolve, and to continually upgrade the parts.

If the cellular structure of our bodies changes over time, why would we think that the rest of our selves stands still?

Many years ago, developmental theorists focused most attention on human development from birth to young adulthood. Obviously, a great deal changes for a person during these twenty-some years. Changes on all levels–physical, emotional, mental, social, etc. At one time, it was assumed that once adulthood was achieved, a person stayed pretty much the same until a period of rapid decline and then death in old age.

It turns out that’s not the case either.

People change constantly. Inside and out.

Healthy adulthood means keeping up with these developmental tasks, and making adjustments that reflect the season of life one is in.

People tend to think of young adulthood, mid-life, and then old age. Those are all the developmental stages for adults, right?

Not exactly. Within each of those stages are about three micro-stages of 5-10 years each. These sub-stages are connected not only to age, but also to negotiating and renegotiating the tasks of adulthood.

Relationships begin, and sometimes end. Adults may become parents, and also at some point will lose their own parents. Jobs and careers may come and go. Beliefs, opinions, and commitments evolve. We develop new interests and tastes. Identity shapes and reshapes.

If these aspects of our selves are regularly changing and evolving, it makes sense that the way we present ourselves to others would evolve with it, right? If our very cell structure is changing, why not evolve our outward presentation as well? Why not evolve our style to reflect our overall development and our goals as adults?

In terms of style and overall appearance, some people tend to act as if they were in their previous decade. A 25-year old may still dress much like a teenager. A 45 year old may still dress like a younger adult in their early 30s. And so on.

Some just give up and stay stuck with a certain look that reflects a time where they felt comfortable. Frozen in time. It seems like too much work and too much risk to change or upgrade. There may be a fear of what people might think if you try something new. These individuals…

Have Given Up.

At the other extreme are those who sense the years slipping by, and it creates a bit of panic. These individuals may want to hang onto youth, or at least a younger version of themselves. They may experience the reality of an adult transition crisis (some say midlife, but it can happen at various points). Rather than present themselves in an age-appropriate way, these individuals…

Are Trying Too Hard.

This is not just the out of touch 45-year-old dressing like he did ten or fifteen years ago. No, this is the 45-year-old who dresses like a late 20’s guy would look now. Or how he thinks a 20-something would look. Working at being trendy, but seeming out of place. Thinking he looks cool, but unaware that it is just not working. He’s not dressing for his season of life.

On the other hand, maybe it is someone trying for age-appropriate, but still out of context for who he is. So a suit communicates power and authority? This guy wears one all the time, whether it is the occasion or not. Or just taking everything that seems stylish and putting it all on at once. Too much of a good thing. Often, less is more.

For most men, the goal should be somewhere in between.

Develop a personal “uniform” of what is right for who you are and for your season of life. Realize that what works for you now may need to change over the next 5-10 years. You’ll be a different person by then (even some of your cellular structure will be new!). Your body and muscle structure may change a bit. You may lose some hair, or what you have may get grayer. Your life experiences and choices will change your outlook. You may develop new hobbies or interests.

All of these things are normal. As the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey observed, “What would be the point of living if we didn’t let life change us?”

In each season of life, embrace the changes.

Learn from your past, but don’t try to relive it or be defined by it. Don’t focus so much on planning for the future that you forget to live life right now.

And as you do so, find ways of presenting yourself with style and confidence. The midlife years can be some of the best of your life. This is not the time to give up, nor is it a good look to try too hard.

I shouldn’t have to point out that we’re living in a time of economic and employment insecurity. This is not the time to give up on improving yourself, inside and out. Intentionally develop a functional style that will give you an advantage in a competitive world. This is NOT about being a “fashion guy.” I don’t consider myself “that guy.” I just have realized the power of style and presentation to be more effective in all aspects of my life, and am now more intentional about it.

Practical Tips

Cull through your closet

Offload things that you’ve collected from the past couple of decades. Some of those things worked in an earlier season of life, but don’t reflect who you are now.

When you go through the closet, make three piles:

One pile of things you know you don’t want or won’t use, for immediate donation.
A second pile is the alteration pile. These are things you like and want to keep, but don’t quite fit. These you can take to a tailor/alterator for re-sizing. It will cost you something, but is generally way less expensive than buying new things (especially new quality items).
The third pile is for things you really like and will work for you right now. Keep them and use them until they’r worn out.
(Also, don’t forget to go through your sock and underwear drawer. Get rid of things that have holes, at the very least)

You don’t need to buy a lot of new things. Sometimes less is more. Start with what you already have Figure out what works together. A limited number of the right items (shirts, pants, jackets, sweaters), if planned well, can provide a number of looks.

Focus on quality, classic looks

Rather than on being trendy. Spend a little more on a few things and you’ll enjoy them for years.

Avoid things that seem like you’re trying to appear much younger, or be trendy.
Most men in midlife ought to avoid wearing athletic shoes with anything other than workout gear.
No ripped or distressed jeans.
Choose dark jeans, not lighter washed. Don’t look like you’re headed to an REO Speedwagon concert.
Wear a sweater rather than a hoody.
If you’re over 40, retire the baseball cap and try a flat cap or even a brimmed hat. Never wear a baseball cap backwards!
A long-sleeve shirt, with sleeves rolled up, will always look cooler than a short-sleeve shirt, which can make you look older or like a tech geek. I admit that I violate this some of the time myself, and go ahead and wear certain short-sleeve shirts in hot weather. But I’m aware of how much better a long-sleeve, rolled-up shirt looks.
Wear a jacket of some sort (weather permitting). A jacket, whether a casual sport coat, leather jacket, a Harrington, etc., will build up your shoulders and away from any problem areas (such as a gut or beer belly).

Find a signature item

Something that you can wear in lots of combinations. One of my own signature items is the classic, long-sleeved buttoned white shirt. I’ve got several of them, in different fabrics. All the same color though–white. I can wear an Oxford cloth white shirt with blue jeans, or a lighter fabric white shirt with light or white denim on a hot summer day. It goes with khakis or chinos. A white shirt works with a casual look, but dresses it up just a bit. Or of course it always goes with a suit or casual sport coat. Tie or no tie. Look at the photos in the style gallery on my website. I’m wearing a white shirt in many of them.

A white shirt may or may not be your thing (but you may want to give it a try!). Maybe black is your thing, or wearing a hat or cap, or something else that defines you. But do consider finding a couple of signature items that combine for lots of looks, and that make you feel great every time you wear them.

Remember that whatever look you’re trying to achieve, you are telling a story with it. Your story, your narrative.

Think of your style, of what you wear, as a set of tools to help you reach your goals.

Not much different than the tools you have in your garage. Tools are a means to an end, to accomplish a job, but can be enjoyable to use if you know what you’re doing.

My goal is to inspire you to look your best, and learn to use the tools, whatever your season of life. Don’t give up, and don’t try too hard. Know yourself and be yourself.

Summary

Remember that people change.
Embrace the season of life you’re in.
Present yourself in a way that fits your identity in that season.
Cull your closet of things you don’t or won’t use.
Focus on classic looks rather than trendy ones (especially if you’re over 40–younger guys can afford to experiment more).
Find a couple of signature items that express your identity, help you create your own narrative, and that people will associate with you.
Remember that your wardrobe is a tool. Look like you know how to use it.

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For companion content, see these related posts:

What do I mean by Life and Style?

Style and appearance–why even care?

A Seasoned Life