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Most people are ordinary, aren’t they? Only a few people are remembered in history. How can everyday, ordinary people can have a lasting influence and live an extraordinary life. This post is about how an ordinary person can have extraordinary influence. How we are remembered is part of our Ethos.

Only a relative handful of people live a life so remarkable that they are written in history books, or have monuments made to them.

Most people aren’t even remembered by their descendants (many wouldn’t even be able to name their own great-grandparents).

And that’s ok.
 

Our influence lasts in other ways than people still talking about our names generations after we’re gone.

We do have ways of memorializing the great and famous. Right now, there is much controversy around at least certain monuments and statues. Perhaps the entire concept of monuments is coming under scrutiny, but that’s a post for another day.

One place where many famous influencers are memorialized is in Westminster Abbey in London. This great cathedral holds the remains of many of the great names of British history from nearly the last 1000 years. Besides being a church where services are still held weekly, Westminster Abbey is something of a mausoleum.

Buried there are kings and queens, clerics and religious leaders. Also scientists (including Charles Darwin), poets and writers, prime ministers, and military heroes. The British “Unknown Soldier” of World War I has perhaps the most prominent place. His resting place is in the floor of the Abbey just past the grand entry.

I have toured Westminster Abbey several times, and attended services there. It is moving to be surrounded by such history. Hundreds of years of Christian worship emanate from the very stones of the building.

I was most recently at Westminster Abbey in fall, 2019

This was BC–before COVID. It was for a Sunday eucharist service. Following the service the guests were ushered out through a side cloister rather than departing back through the main entrance. This is their standard practice.

Even the side cloister is filled with gravestones and markers to important people and influencers. Perhaps they weren’t notable enough for burial in the main part of the cathedral. But hey, they’re still buried in Westminster Abbey, which is something!

I noticed a particular grave marker prominently in the middle of the floor of the cloister. This is one I had seen on prior visits to the Abbey. This time I took a photo of it (photos aren’t allowed within the cathedral, but they are within the cloister).

This gravestone memorialized one Philip Clark, plumber of the cathedral. He died in 1707 at age 43. Probably no one now knows how he died. Age 43 would have been considered a reasonably full life at the time. Mr. Clark was a midlife man, much like many of my readers.

The main thing that struck me was that amidst the notable names and influencers, the queens and kings, the political leaders, authors and others–a place of honor was given to none other than the plumber.

Everyday, ordinary people have their ways of influencing.

Where would we be without plumbers, for example? We don’t think about them until we need one. I’m not sure what plumbing was like at Westminster Abbey 300 years ago. I can imagine that it involved maintaining the drainage systems in order to preserve the integrity of the building. Westminster Abbey may not have lasted for more than 800 years without the legions of plumbers over the years. 

Not all of those plumbers are honored by burial in the Abbey. But Philip Clark was. It isn’t clear what made him stand out from all of the other plumbers. Perhaps he can stand in as a representative for plumbers and regular folks everywhere.

In life, Philip Clark may have felt like he was inconspicuous and invisible. His work was behind the scenes. He wouldn’t be seen in the cathedral vestments at the head of a procession. He was a regular, midlife man. But he had his own ways of influencing. Perhaps the cathedral would not have even survived without Philip Clark and others like him.

Philip Clark’s place of honor in Westminster Abbey can serve as a reminder that everyday people are important too. They deserve appreciation, honor, and respect. There is a nobility to the kind of work that these regular people do, the way they exert quiet influence.

Most of us are more like Philip Clark than we are like the other notables buried in Westminster Abbey.

We add value to the people around us. We preserve and advance our society, and in our own ways make the world a better place. Philip Clark was honored for doing his part. Perhaps he can stand in as a representative for the rest of us.

I also think about the ways we can personally honor the other “Philip Clarks” around us. We don’t have the ability to memorialize them in perpetuity. But we can at the very least extend respect and appreciation for the ways they enrich our lives. 

Philip Clark could be the cashier at the grocery store, the gas station attendant (ok, I live in Oregon where we don’t pump our own gas), the postal worker who delivers your mail, or the Amazon driver. Or perhaps your child’s teacher, or the pharmacist. Or yes, even the plumber who comes to unclog your drain. In the moment, who could be more important than that?

Let us not take these “Philip Clarks” for granted. Especially in stressful times, the people who enrich our lives deserve a smile, a kind word, and expression of thanks.

Perhaps that can be just as meaningful as having a memorial in Westminster Abbey.

To each one of you who are regular, ordinary persons, I see you. You are not invisible. Who you are and the work you do matters. You are “Philip Clark” for the people around you. Thank you for being you.

Finding your voice–how to improve the way you sound

If you’re like most people, you don’t like the sound of your own voice.

It is disturbing to think that the one thing that most readily identifies us, is something we don’t even like.

What is your reaction when you hear your voice on a recording? Many people react in horror–Is that what I really sound like? Mickey Mouse come to life?

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. There are things we can do to actually improve the sound of our own voice. This would include the voice you hear and the one others hear (and they aren’t the same).

“Finding” your voice?

For some time, a common expression you hear is “Finding your voice.” Most of the time, this is metaphorical. When used that way, it refers to developing your perspective and opinions, and finding ways to speak up and share them. It refers to gaining traction with what you want to communicate to the world. In this sense, it relates more to the content of what you say or write, than it does with the literal voice you use to express those things.

In this post, I’m considering some perspectives on why our voice–the way we sound–matters to our lives. I’ll include some tips on ways you can develop your voice and improve your life.

I’ll cover these topics:

• My own story
• The importance of our voice to our lives
• Why we sound the way we do (and often don’t like it)
• How to improve our voice and use it to our advantage.

Developing your voice versus finding your voice

Your voice isn’t lost–it isn’t something you need to go searching for, and “find” somewhere. You have a voice, one you were born with, and it has been shaped in response to your environment.

I want you to learn how your voice has developed, and some basic principles and things you can do to make improvements.

My own story

Truth in advertising–I’m not satisfied with how I sound either! It isn’t like I’ve styled my voice to sound like Morgan Freeman. Far from it. But I’m still on my own journey of improving my voice, and I’m inviting you along.

Most of my adult career has involved speaking and teaching. I have learned some things along the way, and as with many things, I find that I simply need to practice what I know. Writing about them here, and teaching you what I know, is one way for me to do that. The teacher learns more than the student.

When I was younger, in my 30s, I developed nodules on my vocal chords. Nodules are small, benign growths, like a callous. This was a result of misusing my voice in speaking and in singing. Incorrect technique created damage and resulted in my having to get treatment. Surgery to remove them was one option, one I didn’t really want to take. Vocal therapy and voice lessons was another option. The idea being that with therapy, the nodules can go away on their own.

So, I worked with a voice therapist/coach for some period of time (and at some expense).

And it worked–my nodules went away, and I learned some techniques and principles for using my voice correctly and more effectively.

All this to say, while I’m not a voice expert, I am someone who takes voice and speaking seriously. Like you, I want to present myself in the best way possible. My voice is a significant part of that. And I have had at least some experience in this area. More recently, I’ve revisited the importance of our voice to our lives, and have reviewed helpful tips that I can pass along to you. I will also point you toward other experts and resources that can help you in this area as well.

Not just what you say, but how you say it

I’m aware that many of my readers are also professionals who speak, teach, and regularly use their voices as part of their job.

Many of us are taught to think that the words we use, and the ideas we express, are what people listen to. That these are the only things that matter.

Your words do matter, of course. But I want to help you think of the ways you say them, and how you sound when you say them, as being equally important.

Who would you rather listen to for an hour–Morgan Freeman or Mickey Mouse? Yeah, there’s a reason Mickey is seen much more than heard 🙂

But your goal shouldn’t be to sound like either one of them! I want each one of us to sound like our own best self. I want us to develop and use our voice to express our own unique identity.

If you are one of those who don’t like the sound of your voice–why not do something about it?

My goal is to help my readers live as adults with confidence and style. Feeling confident in the way we speak, and how we sound, can be a huge part of that.

If you read Part I, you may recall that part of my own story included overcoming a case of vocal chord nodules when I was in my 30s. I engaged in vocal therapy and voice lessons, and learned quite a lot about effective use of our voice. Also, most of my adult career has involved speaking, teaching, and presenting. So yes, I use my voice for a living.

All that to say, I may not have the most impressive voice ever myself, but I’ve learned some things along the way, and continue to work on it. I want to help you as well, to be as confident in your voice as possible.

The importance of our voice to our lives

In this section, I simply want to direct attention to the importance of our voice, and the role it plays in our success in life.

Your voice has been with you since you were born. One of your first acts as a human being, as a crying infant moments after birth, was to use your voice. You’ve been using it ever since.

One of the most recognizable features of our identity is our voice. It is distinctive, and like fingerprints, the only one exactly like it. People can identify you by your voice alone. Police agencies even utilize voice recognition experts and equipment to identify and prosecute suspects.

I have made the case in earlier posts that people make judgments or assumptions about us based on our overall appearance, within seconds of meeting us. This includes the way we’re dressed, our grooming, fitness (or lack of), and general bearing. These things are part of our overall Ethos.

Our voice is part of our overall Ethos–how we present ourselves to the world.

It is one of the things most important for creating our first impression. The words we say upon meeting someone are important, of course, but just as important is our voice–the sound, tone, volume, accent, etc.

Noted celebrity voice coach Roger Love says, “People won’t remember what you said. They will only remember how you made them feel when you said it.”

I wrote an earlier series of posts on the Rhetoric of leadership and influence. This included posts on Influencing with our Words (logos), Influencing with Emotion (pathos), and Influencing with our Ethos (the way we exude credibility and trustworthiness). 

Our voice is connected to all three of these vehicles for influence.

We use our voice to communicate the words that express our thoughts. The way we speak and the sound of our voice is instrumental in creating emotions in our hearers. And of course they way our voice sounds is one of the ways people determine our credibility and trustworthiness). 

Again, people will remember how we make them feel more than they remember the words we say. And our voice is the most important element of creating those feelings. Words alone may be able to convey feeling and emotion, but when combined with effective voice communication, the words and their sound are a powerful combination.

You’ve heard this before, no doubt, but it is helpful to think of your voice as an instrument. Thinking of it this way can be helpful in gaining a better understanding of how our voice works.

Two of the basic categories of musical instruments are wind and string instruments.Your voice actually involves both of those. The vocal chords are like an instrument with strings. But it is air that makes those strings vibrate, rather than plucking or striking them.

One instrument for comparison would be an accordion.

Air is pumped in and out, blowing across a series of reeds, which vibrate to create the sound. Another, less complex example would be a harmonica. In this case the reeds vibrate and create sound in direct response to human breath blowing in and out. 

Yet another, and perhaps even more apropos example would be the bagpipes. In this case, rather than blowing directly on the reeds (as with a harmonica) the piper blows to fill the bag with air. The controlled air-flow from the bag then vibrates the drone reeds of the pipes. This could compare with the way we fill our diaphragm with breath, and then release it across our vocal chords to create the sound of our voice.

The bagpipes, incidentally, have a range of just nine notes, which is still a lot more than the range of notes most people use when they speak.

Well, I suppose you never thought of yourself as a bagpipe. I like bagpipes (not everyone does), but I don’t want to sound like bagpipes when I talk!

So, I need to take control of playing my own vocal instrument, just as you do. This may take practice, and learning some basic principles of how the instrument works. 

Why we sound the way we do

As I noted already, many people–probably most–do not like the sound of their own voice. 

Most of us don’t think about our voice until we hear ourselves on a recording. Oddly enough, even surrounded by a wealth of communications technology, this doesn’t happen very often. During COVID, many of us have been regularly using zoom calls or other means of communication. Sometimes those calls may have even been recorded for some purpose, but rarely do we listen to them.

A time when people encounter their own voice is when they record the message for their voicemail. I can testify to the groans and shudders of disgust our voicemails create. Of course, everyone else thinks our voicemails are fine, because they’re used to hearing us!

So, we re-record over and over to create a voice message more pleasing to our own ears. We adjust our voice as best we can until we get it right, or until we give up.

Then we go back to not thinking anymore about how we sound–until we hear ourselves on recording, and still not liking it.

Don’t feel bad. Even famous people–ones who are famous for using their voice, such as actors and singers–often do not like the sound of their voice either. Or, they’re ok with it because they are used to hearing soundtracks of themselves.

But why? Why do we sound the way we do?

Part of it is because what you hear and what everyone else hears is not the same. The voice we hear as it comes from our own lips is a result of a series of processes within our own body, and is not what everyone else is hearing from us.

You know how people with certain psychological problems hear voices within their heads? Well, all of us hear a voice within our head–and it is our own! 

The sound of our voice starts with breath in our diaphragm, and vibrates our vocal chords as it moves through our throats. Our tongue, lips and teeth shape the sound into speech that we recognize. It also resonates within the bone and flesh of our own body, especially our skull, and our ears are ensconced in that skull. So, our ears process the sound within our head, rather than the one that is traveling through the air that others hear.

It is not a different voice; it just sounds different to us than to literally everyone else.

We are the only ones who hear the way our voice sounds as it resonates within our skull.

When others hear our voice, the sound has been altered by traveling through the air and then being picked up by their ears. The air affects the sound as it is heard by others. They are not hearing what is bouncing around within your head.

What’s happening is that the voice we “hear” is simply the one we’re accustomed to. When we hear ourselves on a recording, it is simply unfamiliar to us. Our voice likely sounds “deeper” to ourselves than it does to others. When we hear a recording of our voice, we’re hearing what others hear. Its unfamiliarity is disconcerting. If our voice sounds deeper to ourselves than to others, then learning that it actually sounds more high-pitched to others can create a crisis of vocal identity.

The thing is, other people aren’t bothered at all by your voice.

That is simply what they are used to hearing from you as, and it sounds quite normal to them. In fact, they may already like it very much!

The ironic thing is that most people don’t like the sound of their voice when they know it is a recording of themselves. One study revealed that people may actually like it better when they DON’T know it is theirs! This 2013 study with 80 participants played for them a mix of voice recordings, and unbeknownst to them their own voice was included. A result was that participants often rated their own voice, when they did not know it was theirs, as being more attractive than others had rated it.

Hughes, Susan M, and Marissa A Harrison. “I Like My Voice Better: Self-Enhancement Bias in Perceptions of Voice Attractiveness.” Perception 42, no. 9 (January 1, 2013): 941–49. https://doi.org/10.1068/p7526. 

So maybe we like the sound of our voice more than we think we do! At least when we don’t know that it is us.

So perhaps the problem is not the voice itself, but rather how we perceive it. 

So what do we do about that?

One response might be simply to accept our voice as it is and get used to it. One way to do that is to listen to your recorded voice often enough that your ear becomes attuned to it. According to the cited study, you might even grow to like it once you’re used to hearing it.

The other response might be to work on developing your voice so that it sounds more the way you want it to. Record yourself and listen to the way you sound, no matter how distasteful it may seem at first. Use that to identify the things you would like to work on. Too high-pitched? Too nasally? Too fast or slow, and reliance on “crutch” words? 

All of these things, and more, can improve with some attention to your vocal instrument.

How to improve your voice

In this final section, I’ll cover some tips and principles for getting the most from the voice you have, and even for improving the way you sound–to yourself and to others. This is where we have a chance to get practical.

First, remember that your voice is actually an instrument. 

It is not just “like” an instrument–it IS an instrument. And like any instrument, practicing with it and using it properly will give you the confidence that you are communicating the way you want.

Most musicians “tune up” and “warm up” with their instrument before playing. You can benefit from the same thing with your voice. Or, you could compare it to the warmup exercises that athletes do before performing. I’m aware that more of my readers are public speakers than singers. Singers commonly warm up their voices, so why not speakers?

Some ideas for warming up your voice include:

• Take some deep breaths and loosen and relax your upper body.
• Humming. Try a sustained “humming” sound. Then do the same while modulating from low to high and back. Do this several times, and you’ll notice a difference. Humming and other exercises can be done first thing in the morning, before you start to use your voice. Also prior to a speech or presentation.
• Make a “Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba” sound, starting low, and then going higher on the musical scale. Go up and down several times.
• Lip trills. Yes, like the motorboat sound you made in the bathtub as a kid. Again, modulate from low to high and back.

There are a number of other warm-up exercises you could do, but even these would give you a start and help you to feel more control over your voice.

If you’d like more information, here are a couple of helpful instructional videos that give some more ideas for vocal warm-ups for speakers:

• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb1Cv7aDXmk
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7eDcHZZn7hU

Breathe!

You’ll sound better if you remember to breathe! I’m talking about filling your “diaphram,” so that you feel your abdomen protrude.

Sometimes, especially when we’re nervous, we forget to breathe or just breathe shallowly in our upper chest. What happens then is that we’re forcing our vocal chords to create sound without enough air. This can make your voice sound thin, strained, and weak. 

When you breathe from your diaphragm, you should then speak (or sing) only when your stomach is coming back in. Think of an accordion–the sound is produced by pumping air through the instrument.

• Drop your jaw when you pronounce vowels, giving yourself more of a full sound
• Avoid talking through clenched teeth and lips. Use your whole mouth to create the sounds you want.

Use variety of pitch

An appealing voice moves people emotionally. Remember–people remember how you make them feel, more than they remember your actual words. To accomplish this, you’ve got to create interest by using a range of pitch. Many people actually speak in monotone, or just one or two ranges of pitch. 

Vary your pitch from low to high, but try to do it without “sliding.” Using pauses effectively gives you some spaces to move your pitch up and down for interest and emphasis. Sometimes people speak in a stream of words, without pausing either for breath or for emphasis.

It is helpful to use pauses, and to slow down your vocal speed. This not only gives your listeners time to process what you’re saying, but it also gives you a chance to create emphasis, and maybe even a little drama. Pretend that the sentences you speak have verbal punctuation. When you write, you create punctuation that separates your thoughts. You create clauses by using commas, and end sentences with periods. 

Do the same thing with your voice, creating verbal punctuation. This gives space to breathe, and to create interest and emphasis in what you’re saying.

Record your voice

If you REALLY want to work on your voice, and craft the way you want to sound, record your voice and study it. Some of my readers speak or preach regularly already, and are often recorded. How often do you listen to the recordings in order to improve your voice and presentation? 

I had made the point that many people don’t like the sound of their voice. As a result, they may avoid creating recordings and listening to them. But doing this is one of the best ways to identify the things you want to work on.

Remember, you can take action to create the voice you want to have!

We often think that our voice is something we’re born with, and it cannot be changed. Well-known voice coach Roger Love insists that we’re not stuck with the way we sound, and that we can develop the speaking voice we want to have, and sound the way we want to.

Our voice is shaped when we’re young by the sounds around us. We grow up imitating those sounds. That’s why people often have a voice that sounds similar to their parents. This makes sense, because our parents’ voice is what we hear regularly from infancy.

And yet, that may not be the way we WANT to sound.

The best way to honestly assess how you sound to others (not to yourself), is to make a short recording of your voice. Speaking spontaneously, or even reading a couple of paragraphs will work. 

Then, make a list of what you’re hearing:

• Too high-pitched?
• Too nasal?
• Monotone?
• Too light and “airy” (the opposite of not getting enough air)?
• Not enough air on the other hand often results in “vocal fry,” or a gravelly type of sound.

You may notice these or other less desirable qualities by listening to a recording of yourself. It may be a little painful to face up to it, but remember, this is what everyone else is hearing already. If you don’t like it, then make a plan to do something about it!

Recording your voice and doing a self-diagnosis of what you’d like to work on is an effective first step.

Roger Love notes that we all have different voices for the different roles in our lives. These include:

• Professional voice (teacher, boss, etc.)
• Friend/social voice
• Family/parent/grandparent voice
• Relational/romantic voice

Know what voice you want to use for different situations and roles. Develop that voice so that you can be more effective in every area of your life.

Summary and call to action

Remember these key points:

• Your voice is an instrument, so take care of it and treat it like one.
• Use vocal warm-ups
• Remember to breathe, and to speak when you’re letting your breath out.
• Practice using variety of pitch, and use effective pauses.
• Record your voice, and create a self-diagnosis of the things you’d like to improve.

There are many helpful vocal resources available these days. I have mentioned celebrity voice coach Roger Love. He offers many free resources (see below for his website and videos); I’ve listened to many of these and found them helpful reminders of things I had learned in voice training years ago. 

Another resource would be something like Toastmasters International, which has a great history of helping people develop as public speakers. I’ve linked below to a document produced by Toastmasters on developing your speaking voice, that goes into much more detail if you’re interested. A google search will yield many other helpful resources, so just find things that work for you. I hope that this blog series at least motivates you to take some action for yourself.

Your voice is yours–to use and develop as you wish.

Take control of it and make it one of your most valuable tools for success and confidence in any Season of Life!

____________________________________________

Roger Love vocal coaching

Roger Love YouTube videos

Toastmasters International homepageTips for adding strength and authority to your voice (Toastmasters resource)

How to thrive and be most productive in the harvest season of life?

I grew up in Oregon’s Willamette Valley, one of the nation’s richest agricultural areas. This is the land of promise that the pioneers on the Oregon Trail were trying to reach (if they didn’t first die of dysentery!).

Summertime, and early fall, was the season of harvest. As a youngster my family had a farm with livestock, hay, and orchards. The rhythms of planting and harvest were something I knew from a young age. As a young teenager in the late 1960s and early 70s, picking strawberries, cherries, and green beans on nearby farms was a rite of passage. 

Our church youth group caught chickens for a local farmer as a fundraiser (you know that chicken you buy at the store? Someone has to get them from the barns into the trucks for processing…). I suppose catching chickens was a type of “harvest,” although it could take place any time of year.

The Season of Harvest

Many today may have a hard time even connecting with what harvest means.

As more people today are more distanced from agrarian roots and settings, the harvest season may have less significance. For many of us these days, “harvest” means gathering up produce and other items at the grocery store.

Thanksgiving Day in the USA is the fourth Thursday of November. Traditionally it is meant to celebrate and give thanks for the harvest, and for other blessings in our lives.

In Canada, the Thanksgiving holiday is in October. Having it earlier and more connected with the actual harvest season always made more sense to me. But I’m glad to have a day set aside for giving thanks just the same.

There is a season for harvest, just as for sowing and cultivating. 

This is true not only with agrarian cycles, but also metaphorically with our lives.

See my earlier post, Your Life as Seasons of a Year, for an overall perspective on this.

In that post, I compared people from infancy to their 20’s as being in the springtime of life. I compared those in their late 20s to 40s/50s as being in the “summer” of life. 

And those in their late 40s through their 60s could be considered as in the early fall to full Autumn of their lives.

Often, we associate fall/autumn with harvest, although much of the harvest begins to take place in the summer. Early crops sooner than that, of course, but many crops are gathered in late summer and early fall. Mid to late autumn then is a time for reflecting on the harvest just past, and giving thanks for its blessings.

Are you living in the season of harvest? If you’re in midlife, as many of my readers are, then likely this does reflect your season of life.

Principles for the season of harvest

The midlife years of 40s to 60s may be a rewarding season of seeing the fruit of your life up to that point.

In these years, you have established yourself with the foundation of decisions made when you were younger. This may include your education, your career, and your relationships (family, friends, professional). Your midlife status will also incorporate your reputation, character, and overall influence. 

Springtime and early summer is the time for sowing, planting, and cultivating. These can be exciting and challenging years, when most of a lifetime looms ahead. Younger adults are still making those foundational decisions. Everything is directed toward building a future.

In the midlife years…

…and increasingly in the later years, the attention shifts from a focus on the future, toward attention to the present.

At some point, in the winter of life, there is little left in terms of “future,” which allows (or requires) elderly people to increasingly live in the present, in the moment.

In midlife, there is a bit of both. You’ve lived long enough so that the future doesn’t seem quite as endless as it once did, and because of that you’re more able to live in the present. There comes an awareness that our days and years are precious, and not without limit.

This positions you for the season of harvest in your life.

You can engage in a harvest of benefits for yourself, and for the benefit of others. The season of planting and cultivating is for the most part past. Now is the time to begin to gather in what you’ve sown. 

What might harvest time in our lives look like?

If you’ve been married for 20 or 30 years, you can harvest the benefits of a mature relationship. Together, you’ve gone through things that can bond two people like no other. The power of years of shared experience is strong. You’ve been through the adjustments of the early years, weathered challenging financial situations, raised children together, experienced loss. Now is a time to reap benefits of this mature relationship, and be a blessing to one another and to others.

While these things can bond a relationship, they can also strain some relationships to the breaking point. I get it, and am casting no shame. If that has been your experience, the challenges and even the pain of that story are part of your harvest season as well. Everything that you are, and all that you have experienced, is part of your story and can contribute to the harvest season.

Further along that line, perhaps there are ways that you feel like you made poor decisions when you were younger. Planting poorly, or failing to plant when needed, might have brought you to a point at midlife where it is hard to harvest something positive from them. All of us have made mistakes and have regrets. There is no shame in that either, especially if we don’t let past mistakes define us entirely. If this is your experience, harvest where you can. Realize that even some of our mistakes can yield life’s greatest lessons. Learn from those, and bring your experience to bear for the benefit of others.

There is a saying… 

“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start from where you are and change the ending.” This is true for all of us, regardless of our past. And consider that even in midlife, there is still time to plant “late crops” that may yield a harvest sometime in a later season. 
 

If you have children, likely at this point they are grown or nearly so. By the 40’s and 50s, most people with children have experienced the empty nest, or soon will. This is an especially rewarding time to “harvest” the relationship with your adult children, that you have spent so many years nurturing. You’re no longer “raising” them, cultivating–now you can simply enjoy the harvest of shared time with your sons and daughters. More than likely, they are in their own season of planting and cultivating. Part of the harvest season for you is being there for them in the challenges they face, providing wisdom and support, and resources as necessary. 

In this season of life, many of you will become grandparents as well, which is in some ways the ultimate type of harvest season. You don’t have the burden of “raising” the grandchildren, at least not in the way their parents do. This frees you to spend your time in the moment with them. Enjoy the harvest.

More ways to harvest in midlife…

You’ve probably reached a “seasoned” point in your vocation or professional life. You’ve gained experience, wisdom, and skills that can be passed on to others. You may feel less pressure to move up the ladder and more freedom to reap what you’ve sown. More freedom to invest yourself into the lives of others, or to provide to others whatever is the benefit of your craft.

For some of you, the harvest might be in exerting your influence in new ways. Perhaps being a mentor, a consultant, or coach to someone. Or focusing on creating content and not just consuming it. 

One of the lessons of these middle years is how fast they seem to go.

No longer do you think just in terms of the passing of years. It starts to feel more like five or ten years can fly by, and you wonder what just happened. 

One of the most important aspects of harvest, is recognizing the season for it. If not harvested at the right time, a crop can pass its peak. It can become overripe, fall to the ground, or otherwise be less than what it should be. The key is to recognize the moment for harvest, and not miss it. 

In our lives, let’s not miss the chances for harvest. If you are in midlife, this is your season, this is your time to harvest. You’ve spent many years sowing and cultivating, building toward these years. Don’t let them slip by and find yourself in the winter of life, wishing you had lived the moment, wishing you had reaped the harvest. To be sure, the harvest can continue throughout the rest of our lives. It may look different in the winter of our lives, when we may lack the health or means to focus on the harvest as much as we can in the midlife years. 

So now is the time. The harvest of your life is ready and waiting–don’t miss it…

______________________________________________

Sources:

https://www.britannica.com/topic/harvest

https://www.etymonline.com/word/harvest

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/harvest

Steger, M. F. (2009). Meaning in life. In S. J. Lopez & C. R. Snyder (Eds.), Oxford library of psychology. Oxford handbook of positive psychology (p. 679–687). Oxford University Press.

Why your daydreams matter…

I remember in grade school watching the clock crawl toward 3:30pm, the time when I would be set free from my captivity.

One of the things that helped me survive those anguished minutes was daydreaming. 

I imagined myself as all kinds of heroes, often as a bold explorer or frontiersman. One book that captured my imagination in about the fifth grade was The Swiss Family Robinson. To an eleven year old boy, the idea of being shipwrecked on an island, needing to survive by wits and perseverance, was a delicious escape.

Sometimes, for me, it still is.

I remember that some of my report cards from those years informed my parents that I daydreamed too much. 

But is it something we can just stop? Or should we even try?

Daydreams and fantasies matter.

Everyone daydreams, and toys with mental fantasies. 

Various studies have revealed that nearly half the thoughts of many adults are along the lines of daydreams and fantasies. Often these imaginings are on something heroic or dramatic, or else rooted in something positive but seemingly more attainable (like a promotion, a new house, etc.).

You may remember James Thurber’s 1939 novella, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Evidently based on Thurber’s own life, Mitty was an ordinary man, living an ordinary life. As an escape from that life, he would imagine himself at the center of great adventures. These fantasies included being a US Navy pilot in a storm, a famous and skilled surgeon, a deadly assassin, a heroic RAF pilot on a daring mission, and a fearless target of a firing squad, nonchalantly tossing his cigarette aside moments before the rifles speak.

Walter Mitty may be a bit of a comic character, pitied for having his “head in the clouds.” But who of us do not have our Walter Mitty moments? Imaginary fancies that take us away from our problems, and allow us to become someone else for a bit? 

We certainly don’t want to live in such fantasies. Too much of them can be counterproductive. But I wonder if daydreams get an unfair rap?

Consider these positive possibilities that may come with allowing some mental flights of fancy.

Daydreaming can be a form of mental play and creativity.

We need to regularly exercise the various capacities of our brains. Some parts of the brain deal with logic and problem solving. Some specialize in processing emotions. And some parts of our brains engage with creativity and fancy. Our brains need to engage with all of these abilities, and more, in order to be healthy and whole. Evidently, when we are daydreaming, our brain shuts off some of the analytic and empathetic processes. Our brains don’t want to be creative, analytic, and empathetic all at the same time. So leave some space for all of these processes in their own time.

We need to play as much as we need to work. We encourage people to take vacations, engage in sports, hobbies, and other forms of play. Why can’t we see mental daydreams and fancies as a bit of a “play” break as well? There is no cost, and need only take the time we allow it.

I would suggest that great storytelling begins as a daydream or imagination.

If people only thought in terms of realism, without fantasies, we likely wouldn’t have The Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, or the Harry Potter stories. These stories, as well as movies such as the Star Wars series and so many others, sprang from someone’s imagination and fantasy. Even the Rocky series began with Sylvester Stallone imagining himself as a hardscrabble boxer who rises to glory. How many youngsters have dreams of the same, or something like it?

Our brains and lives need space to play and to imagine. Daydreams–even of the Walter Mitty sort–can occupy that space in surprisingly productive ways.

Len Sweet, in his book The Well-Played Life, makes the point that we don’t “work” a violin. We play the instrument. Mastering it may require great effort, but effort and play do not need to be at odds with one another.

And speaking of music and instruments, if not for artists who gave themselves to musing and mental imaginations, we would be without music, poetry and art. So just maybe, your daydreams can help release that creative person within you.

Daydreaming helps us imagine beyond what normally seems possible

Often dreams are contrasted with goals, with goals being seen as more noble because they are practical and attainable. But if we only thought in terms of what we could realistically achieve, our accomplishments would be limited.

Think of those who imagined one day taking flight, into the skies and beyond. What once seemed but a dream and wild fantasy, resulted in air travel and space flight. If humans had locked themselves into only what seemed achievable, we would be without many of the inventions and explorations that imagination and daydreaming has made possible.

In our own lives, we may not achieve the fantasies and daydreams, at least in their entirety. But having them might open the possibility of realizing at least some part of them. Those of us in midlife may feel like we’ve outlived our dreams, and need to lean into hard reality. 

There is evidence that people daydream less as they get older. Likely because the future, and future possibilities, can start to grow smaller. I can relate to this, at the age I am. It can become easier for the mind to dwell on memories rather than dreams of a future. Dwelling on memories isn’t bad either (I do it all the time), but even as you age, leave some room for thoughts of what could be. Perhaps memories are like daydreams, but in reverse.

I suggest that we live in our realities, yes, and take care of our responsibilities. Of course. There can be too much of a good thing. But allow time for dreams, daydreams, and imaginations–and even memories– to at least open the doors a crack for what might be out beyond that which is.

Realistic daydreaming may help us achieve goals or solve problems

As our minds wander, and creativity and imagination kicks in, we may find ourselves arriving at unexpected solutions to practical problems. Our daydreams allow us to reach into parts of the brain that are hard to activate with normal analytic thought.

As often as goals and dreams are juxtaposed, maybe they are not mutually exclusive. Some studies have suggested that certain types of daydreams may increase productivity. Participants creating time to daydream about a chosen goal demonstrated as much or more progress toward the goal as those who employed other interventions.

Let’s face it, when faced with problems that need to be solved, how can we afford not to engage all parts of our brain?

Daydream boredom away

Unfortunately, the smartphone has likely diminished our ability to deal creatively with “boredom.” When waiting for a doctor appointment, or in a line at a store, or some other place where we have to “hurry up and wait,” we’re inclined to simply pull out our phone and check messages and emails, scroll Instagram, etc. There’s no room for boredom. I do this too, I assure you.

But what if we just allow ourselves to just be bored once in a while? What if “boredom” had no meaning? If we just gave ourselves over to our thoughts? Letting your thoughts run free for a bit likely won’t cause any harm. You don’t always need to be consuming content. Let the brain rest, and not just while you’re sleeping. Sit in a comfy chair for half an hour, and see where your mind goes. Have a notepad at hand in case something worth noting comes to mind.

Who knows? Maybe the next great fantasy story is just waiting to be released…

___________________________________________

Related post:

Why does time pass so quickly?

Sources:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/supersurvivors/201712/why-daydreaming-is-good-us

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/the-benefits-of-daydreaming-170189213/

https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/7/130716-daydreaming-science-health-brain/#close

Develop your personal uniform.

You don’t want to think about your clothes all the time, do you? Most men don’t (myself included).

How do you feel about wearing a uniform? And how to develop your personal uniform?
 

Not the kind of uniform you think–like military personnel, first responders, or even someone like a football player or other sports star.

You don’t have to be in the military or play football to benefit from the concept of a “uniform.” You can create your OWN personal uniform that serves many of the same purposes. 
 

(Note: This post is longer, but has two parts. Part One is some historical background on uniforms. Part Two is more practical stuff on developing a personal uniform. If you’re more interested in that, just skip ahead to Part II.)

Part I–Uniforms throughout history 

First, let’s start with a little history lesson… 

How have uniforms developed throughout history, and what has been their purpose? This about the word, “Uni-form” (uni=one, form=shape)

Probably the most common manifestation of uniforms have been with warriors throughout history. Whether a Roman soldier, a tartan-clad Scottish freedom fighter, British “redcoats,” Maasai or Samurai warriors, or the modern camouflaged Navy seal– uniforms have typically been a symbol of the warrior’s identity. Military personnel have nearly always taken pride in the appearance and accoutrements of their uniforms.

What purpose have these outfits played in their respective eras? 

Uniforms typically have identified wearers as belonging to a particular military unit. They often serve the added purpose of being part of their protective gear.

In times past, when combat was often close up and hand to hand, uniforms were essential to identifying your friend from your foe. Soldiers looking too much alike caused confusion, and could lead to losses on the battlefield, so everyone knew that distinctive appearance was important.

An example of this would be the British or Napoleonic armies of 200 years ago. The bright coats and white leggings made it easy for the soldiers to identify one another in the heat of close combat with bayonets and swords. They also had the unfortunate effect of making them easy targets for opposing marksmen. This type of formal uniform was common in European style armies of the time, on up through the Napoleonic era and well into the Victorian era in Britain. I always thought that the uniforms of that time would have felt like fighting in formal wear. 

By the end of the 19th century, many militaries were trending toward more drab colors that blended into the landscape. This reflected the changes in technology and battle strategies from close combat with swords, spears, and bayonets to long-range fighting with rifles, machine guns and artillery. In those circumstances, it was to one’s advantage to blend in rather than stand out.

This trend toward blending in has continued and accelerated to the present day. 

Today’s combat uniforms are designed for protection and for blending into the surroundings. 

Of course when military personnel are not on deployment, they wear different uniforms (the “Uniform of the Day”). Each uniform has a different purpose, whether for everyday wear such as in an office setting, or formal wear for special occasions. The branches of the US military identify their uniforms with some version of “field/utility,” “service,” or “dress” uniforms.

An example of utmost care for appearance and attention to detail would be the soldiers of the 3rd U.S. Infantry Regiment assigned to guard duty at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier at Arlington National Cemetery. These specially trained Tomb Guards give meticulous attention to the smallest details of their uniforms before their rotation on the Mat at the Tomb. 
 

Other types of uniforms

We can see how uniforms are embedded into so many parts of our society. Police officers and firefighters wear distinctive uniforms. These communicate their role, their authority and responsibility. The “white coat” is the uniform of the medical doctor. They and other medical personnel are set apart by “scrubs” while on duty. 

Beyond even these professional types of uniforms, we find school uniforms, Boy/Girl Scout uniforms, team uniforms for sports, and even groups like marching bands. Also included might be postal and delivery workers (i.e., UPS), mechanics, plumbers, and members of fraternal lodges. Clergy have vestments and clerical collars. Even motorcycle clubs have their version of a group “uniform.”

Some workplaces have an informal sort of uniform in the form of a “dress code” for work.

This might be the expectation of a coat and tie for men, dresses/skirts for women, etc. Sometimes such codes are unspoken and unregulated, with only the “culture” of the workplace communicating a general way of presenting oneself. Exceptions to workplace formality are known as “Casual Fridays,” although increasingly in some settings nearly every day is casual Friday.

The list could go on, but you get the idea. Uniforms of one sort or another are common throughout our society, and play an important role. Most cultures throughout the world have their own versions of uniforms for various reasons and roles.

There is no single purpose for uniforms, but most would agree that they do everything from protecting the wearer to creating recognition and signaling authority. Uniforms also may create a sense of esprit de corps, or pride and loyalty in belonging to a group. 

Part II–Your Personal Uniform

So what is a “personal uniform,” and how might you benefit from such a thing?

Well, it is much different from the formally identified uniforms I’ve just described. A personal uniform is simply a chosen way of dressing and presenting oneself, that relies on a few interchangeable items. 

Your uniform is your basic “go-to” look that you rely on most of the time.

A “Capsule Wardrobe” is another way of describing it. Some distinguish between “personal uniform” and “capsule wardrobe,” but I don’t see much difference between the two. It is still the basic idea of a personal, standardized way of dressing, with interchangeable items.

A personal uniform creates a “branded” look and way of presenting oneself. This presentation encourages simplicity, and emphasizes a smaller number of pieces that can still go together to create the look. With some planning ahead, it can unclutter your closet and make clothes something you don’t have to think about very much. All while looking great and creating the personal narrative you want to tell.

Many of you already have a personal uniform, without even trying. It may just be the stuff you’ve collected naturally. The main thing is whether the uniform just “happened,” or whether you’ve developed it intentionally, and to convey the message that you want to send. EVERY way of dressing sends a message–the key is being intentional and making it the message you want.

 

Characteristics of the “Personal Uniform”

It may take time to develop

Even though the goal is simplicity and taking the effort out of dressing yourself, defining your look can take some time and experimentation. Part of that is defining your own identity and the message you want to send by how you present yourself. 

If you are midlife, you may have a sense of identity that you’ve nurtured over time. And yet, as you transition through these years you may find that some of this is up for renegotiation. This is a normal part of working through the “seasons” and transitions of life. 

But to keep it simple, take a look at what you already have, and what you know you like. Ask yourself if there are any ways that you would like to change or update your look for the season you’re in. 

You’ll have more than one “Uniform of the Day”

Steve Jobs was famous for wearing the same outfit every day. It truly was a personal “uniform.” He was known to have said that this simplified his life and freed him up to focus on other, more important things. Considering his success as a tech magnate, it would be hard to argue with that.

Job’s uniform consisted of blue jeans (“Dad” style) and a black long-sleeve turtleneck, with sleeves pulled or rolled up. His shoes were some type of white running/athletic shoes. That was it. The same every day, for years. (I suggest you avoid wearing athletic shoes with jeans–it just makes you look old)

Most of us will have a hard time pulling off that level of consistency. Either because we have occasions for something other than one look, or because that can be, well, boring.

Even the military has three types of uniforms: Field/utility, Service, and Dress. They recognize that one specific uniform can’t meet all occasions and purposes.

Likely, you’ll have two or maybe three variations on your uniform.

Lots of men have the uniform they wear for work during the week, whatever that might be. If you are a UPS driver, that uniform is defined for you (I hope you look good in Brown). Or, maybe you have much more leeway in how you create your personal/professional look. That would be one uniform.

Another uniform might be what you wear on the weekends or other “time off.” This is on your own time. What makes you comfortable and feel good when you’re on your own, or just with family and friends? Perhaps it is some version of jeans and/ or casual pants like 5-pocket (jeans cut) khaki pants. That, and several shirts that go with either pants. For some of you, that may be your work uniform as well. 

Decide on your basic overall look and “vibe”

Your uniform should reflect your personality.

It helps to decide on categorical look, and color scheme, in order for the parts of the “uniform” to work together. My personal uniform is a combination of classic Northwest casual/outdoor style (i.e., Pendleton, Eddie Bauer, LLBean, Columbia Sportswear type of things), with a bit of Ralph Lauren (the look, not necessarily the brand), and English country gentleman thrown in. Most things that I own fit in somehow to that combined look. Colors are blues and browns, with mostly natural fibers.

You may have elements of this, or a different direction entirely. Perhaps you lean toward the athletic look. Think Nike, Brooks, sleeker fibers, etc.

Your personal uniform may even be more of the “Dad Look.”

Either by choice or default. No judgement here! The Dad Look gets lots of jokes and disrespect, so if you don’t want to look like the subject of a meme, at least put your Dad Look together with some style and intentionality. I may do a future post on how to Rock the Dad Look with Style. For example, rather than the fuller cut “Dad Jeans” style, try a straighter or slimmer cut. And make sure they are in dark denim–no light-washed! Don’t look like you’re headed to an REO Speedwagon concert. 

The main tip for upgrading Dad Look clothes is to pay attention to fit. In fact, lack of good fit is probably the defining characteristic of the Dad Look.

Exceptions to the uniform

Unless you’re Steve Jobs, you likely won’t be able to wear literally the same look every day and for everything. The idea is a smaller number of items that are interchangeable. In combination they’ll give you a number of similar, but slightly distinct looks. 

But no uniform works for everything. Plan on having a dress shirt or two, and some slacks and a jacket at least (if not a suit), for special occasions. 

Wearing a jacket, by the way, is one of the best ways to transform your appearance, even with the same pants and shirt. Jackets have broader shoulders and narrow waist. Guess what? They make YOU look like you have broader shoulders and a more narrow waist. What guy doesn’t want that?

Some other exceptions to the daily personal uniform would be specialty clothing you may wear for hobbies, sports, outdoor activities, travel, working in the yard, etc. If you’re like me, my “uniform” for grubbing in the yard is just old jeans and old / work regular shirts or T-shirts. That is one time I really don’t care how I look.

Use accessories to create variety

Even a uniform can benefit from a little variety now and then. Without changing the basic items, you can change things up just by adding an accessory or two.

Try a knit tie, or a masculine looking scarf with your winter coat. Or a pocket square with your sport coat, or a sweater over the shirt you usually wear. Small details can give even the same outfits a new look, and communicate that you’re willing to try something new.

Other tips for creating your personal uniform

• Take inspiration from looks you admire. Maybe someone you know, or perhaps a celebrity, that has a style you like. Don’t try to look just like them, but there may be some element you could borrow.
• Prioritize fit over brands. The right fit can make almost any item of clothing look better. And even a quality piece, if it doesn’t fit, can look frumpy.
• Think about what you are trying to convey, the story you’re trying to tell. People make judgments about you in the first few seconds of meeting you. Why not take control by creating the image and narrative you want?
• Be mindful of the place and occasion. Don’t try to shoehorn your personal uniform into every situation, whether it fits or not. 
• There is nothing wrong with controlling your own image. Your uniform can help you do that.
• Think of your closet not as a closet, but as a big tool chest. You don’t have to love clothes or fashion. Take a utilitarian approach and think of them as tools to help you present yourself and accomplish your goals.
   

SUMMARY

A personal uniform can simplify your life, and give you time to focus on other things. Likely, you already have a personal uniform of some sort, your go-to look that works for you in most situations. The main thing is to be intentional about your uniform, and make sure that it sends the message you want. Better intentional than a default collection of random items!

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For other posts on style see:

Trying too hard versus not trying at all

What do I mean by Life and Style?

Style and appearance–why even care

Sources:

Encyclopedia Britannica/Uniforms

Are you in the market for a couple of basic new menswear items for fall and winter? Like a wet-weather jacket or a flannel shirt? This post has tips for buying menswear at Costco.

Give Costco a try. 

I’ve bought a number of clothing items at Costco over the years, and have been mostly happy with the results. This has included shirts of various types, sweaters, a few pants, a sport coat, socks, and underwear.

But keep in mind a few basic tips for shopping menswear at Costco.

Limited, seasonal selection

Costco isn’t a full-service clothing store. They have a limited number of items, featured seasonally. As with most other stores, the fall and winter stock comes in during the mid to late summer. Spring and summer stock appears in late winter. 

Most of what Costco carries could be considered casual, with a slant toward outdoorsy items. Some of it would work for “Casual Fridays” in many business settings, with some slacks and dress shirts as well. But much of what you’ll find is along the lines of flannel shirts, casual pants, shorts, Polo type shirts, shorts, sweaters, jackets and windbreakers, etc. They carry brand names such as Levis, Orvis, Calvin Klein, etc., as well as a number of their own Kirkland brand items.

So if you’re in the market for something along those lines, you can find great deals on quality items. Costco is an especially great place for jackets and outerwear of certain types. But with the limited selection, either they have something you like or they don’t. And most items don’t return from year to year–the inventory rarely repeats. Exceptions to this would be things like their Kirkland dress shirts, Kirkland denim jeans, Levi’s jeans, socks and underwear. You can find most of these items year-around.

The main thing is to avoid buying something just because of the ridiculously low prices. If you don’t like something that much, or it doesn’t fit, you probably won’t wear it much. In that case you have wasted your money, and it is not such a good deal after all.
 

No dressing rooms or mirrors

When buying at Costco, it helps to know your size. You can pull on things like jackets and sweaters in the store, but there is no way to try on shirts and pants. Just buy the closest size and try them on at home. If they don’t fit, you can return them. Or, as you’ll hear me often suggest, you can take items to a tailor for alterations to get the right fit.
 

Generous return policy

I’ve returned a number of items to Costco, most of the time because they don’t fit. I’ve never been questioned or had a problem with a return. Most items are displayed in stacks on display tables, and aren’t packaged. So you can return things and they’ll simply fold them and put them back on display. Just leave tags on until you’re sure you’ll keep the item.
 

Sizes run large

Be aware that selections are better in the larger sizes, and that most sizes run large to begin with. Note the jacket I tried on in the photo. I often wear medium or large in outerwear. There were a lot more of these jackets in stock in the Large to XXL sizes. I tried Large, and it was, well, large. Even Medium was too big on me. Digging down I found a small, and discovered it fit pretty well. I’ve had this experience on other items at Costco. So try things on, and don’t assume that what you’ve thought is your size will always work. It may or it may not.
 

Learn Costco’s pricing structure

Costco has a coded system for their prices. You can save even more if you keep these things in mind:

Items ending in .98 or .99 are Costco’s regular price and aren’t specially marked down. Keep in mind that Costco’s prices are already ridiculously low. They cap the markup at 15% over the store’s price on their own Kirkland brand. They cap the markup at just 14% for brand names. 

If an item is priced ending in .97, that means it is discounted, at manager’s discretion, often a seasonal item they want to move.

Items ending in .88 or .00 are even more deeply discounted, generally for discontinued or damaged stock. A double asterisk in the upper right corner on a sign may also indicate a similar discount.
 

Summary

Even if you only need the occasional item, it doesn’t hurt to check out Costco’s clothing options. Shirts and outerwear are especially good choices. They tend to carry sport/casual kinds of things, so if that reflects your look, you may find some things you like. The prices are so affordable that it pays to look. Remember, if you want to look your best, Fit is King. Choose items that either fit already, or will fit with a little alteration.

For more posts specifically on men’s style, see:

Style and Appearance: why even care

7 tips for environmentally responsible style

Trying too hard vs. not trying at all

Trying too hard versus giving up.

You’re grown up.

You have an identity. Or at least thought you did.

What works, works. You’ve been presenting yourself to the world the same way for years. Why change it?

Guess what? People change.

You’ve heard the saying that the cells in our bodies replace themselves every seven years? That every seven years we’re an entirely new person? It turns out that this is only partly true. Some cells stay with us our entire lives. Others are replaced quickly and regularly (skin cells only last 14 days or so). Others take years to regenerate. Some have calculated that on that basis, the average duration of cells is about seven years.

Without getting too deep into the science of it, suffice to say that our bodies have the sense to evolve, and to continually upgrade the parts.

If the cellular structure of our bodies changes over time, why would we think that the rest of our selves stands still?

Many years ago, developmental theorists focused most attention on human development from birth to young adulthood. Obviously, a great deal changes for a person during these twenty-some years. Changes on all levels–physical, emotional, mental, social, etc. At one time, it was assumed that once adulthood was achieved, a person stayed pretty much the same until a period of rapid decline and then death in old age.

It turns out that’s not the case either.

People change constantly. Inside and out.

Healthy adulthood means keeping up with these developmental tasks, and making adjustments that reflect the season of life one is in.

People tend to think of young adulthood, mid-life, and then old age. Those are all the developmental stages for adults, right?

Not exactly. Within each of those stages are about three micro-stages of 5-10 years each. These sub-stages are connected not only to age, but also to negotiating and renegotiating the tasks of adulthood.

Relationships begin, and sometimes end. Adults may become parents, and also at some point will lose their own parents. Jobs and careers may come and go. Beliefs, opinions, and commitments evolve. We develop new interests and tastes. Identity shapes and reshapes.

If these aspects of our selves are regularly changing and evolving, it makes sense that the way we present ourselves to others would evolve with it, right? If our very cell structure is changing, why not evolve our outward presentation as well? Why not evolve our style to reflect our overall development and our goals as adults?

In terms of style and overall appearance, some people tend to act as if they were in their previous decade. A 25-year old may still dress much like a teenager. A 45 year old may still dress like a younger adult in their early 30s. And so on.

Some just give up and stay stuck with a certain look that reflects a time where they felt comfortable. Frozen in time. It seems like too much work and too much risk to change or upgrade. There may be a fear of what people might think if you try something new. These individuals… 

Have Given Up.

At the other extreme are those who sense the years slipping by, and it creates a bit of panic. These individuals may want to hang onto youth, or at least a younger version of themselves. They may experience the reality of an adult transition crisis (some say midlife, but it can happen at various points). Rather than present themselves in an age-appropriate way, these individuals…

Are Trying Too Hard.

This is not just the out of touch 45-year-old dressing like he did ten or fifteen years ago. No, this is the 45-year-old who dresses like a late 20’s guy would look now. Or how he thinks a 20-something would look. Working at being trendy, but seeming out of place. Thinking he looks cool, but unaware that it is just not working. He’s not dressing for his season of life.

On the other hand, maybe it is someone trying for age-appropriate, but still out of context for who he is. So a suit communicates power and authority? This guy wears one all the time, whether it is the occasion or not. Or just taking everything that seems stylish and putting it all on at once. Too much of a good thing. Often, less is more.

For most men, the goal should be somewhere in between. 

Develop a personal “uniform” of what is right for who you are and for your season of life. Realize that what works for you now may need to change over the next 5-10 years. You’ll be a different person by then (even some of your cellular structure will be new!). Your body and muscle structure may change a bit. You may lose some hair, or what you have may get grayer. Your life experiences and choices will change your outlook. You may develop new hobbies or interests.

All of these things are normal. As the Dowager Countess in Downton Abbey observed, “What would be the point of living if we didn’t let life change us?”

In each season of life, embrace the changes. 

Learn from your past, but don’t try to relive it or be defined by it. Don’t focus so much on planning for the future that you forget to live life right now.

And as you do so, find ways of presenting yourself with style and confidence. The midlife years can be some of the best of your life. This is not the time to give up, nor is it a good look to try too hard. 

I shouldn’t have to point out that we’re living in a time of economic and employment insecurity. This is not the time to give up on improving yourself, inside and out. Intentionally develop a functional style that will give you an advantage in a competitive world. This is NOT about being a “fashion guy.” I don’t consider myself “that guy.” I just have realized the power of style and presentation to be more effective in all aspects of my life, and am now more intentional about it.

Practical Tips

Cull through your closet 

Offload things that you’ve collected from the past couple of decades. Some of those things worked in an earlier season of life, but don’t reflect who you are now.

When you go through the closet, make three piles:

• One pile of things you know you don’t want or won’t use, for immediate donation.
• A second pile is the alteration pile. These are things you like and want to keep, but don’t quite fit. These you can take to a tailor/alterator for re-sizing. It will cost you something, but is generally way less expensive than buying new things (especially new quality items).
• The third pile is for things you really like and will work for you right now. Keep them and use them until they’r worn out.
• (Also, don’t forget to go through your sock and underwear drawer. Get rid of things that have holes, at the very least)

You don’t need to buy a lot of new things. Sometimes less is more. Start with what you already have Figure out what works together. A limited number of the right items (shirts, pants, jackets, sweaters), if planned well, can provide a number of looks. 

Focus on quality, classic looks 

Rather than on being trendy. Spend a little more on a few things and you’ll enjoy them for years.

• Avoid things that seem like you’re trying to appear much younger, or be trendy.
• Most men in midlife ought to avoid wearing athletic shoes with anything other than workout gear.
• No ripped or distressed jeans.
• Choose dark jeans, not lighter washed. Don’t look like you’re headed to an REO Speedwagon concert.
• Wear a sweater rather than a hoody.
• If you’re over 40, retire the baseball cap and try a flat cap or even a brimmed hat. Never wear a baseball cap backwards!
• A long-sleeve shirt, with sleeves rolled up, will always look cooler than a short-sleeve shirt, which can make you look older or like a tech geek. I admit that I violate this some of the time myself, and go ahead and wear certain short-sleeve shirts in hot weather. But I’m aware of how much better a long-sleeve, rolled-up shirt looks.
• Wear a jacket of some sort (weather permitting). A jacket, whether a casual sport coat, leather jacket, a Harrington, etc., will build up your shoulders and away from any problem areas (such as a gut or beer belly).

Find a signature item 

Something that you can wear in lots of combinations. One of my own signature items is the classic, long-sleeved buttoned white shirt. I’ve got several of them, in different fabrics. All the same color though–white. I can wear an Oxford cloth white shirt with blue jeans, or a lighter fabric white shirt with light or white denim on a hot summer day. It goes with khakis or chinos. A white shirt works with a casual look, but dresses it up just a bit. Or of course it always goes with a suit or casual sport coat. Tie or no tie. Look at the photos in the style gallery on my website. I’m wearing a white shirt in many of them.

A white shirt may or may not be your thing (but you may want to give it a try!). Maybe black is your thing, or wearing a hat or cap, or something else that defines you. But do consider finding a couple of signature items that combine for lots of looks, and that make you feel great every time you wear them.

Remember that whatever look you’re trying to achieve, you are telling a story with it. Your story, your narrative.

Think of your style, of what you wear, as a set of tools to help you reach your goals.

Not much different than the tools you have in your garage. Tools are a means to an end, to accomplish a job, but can be enjoyable to use if you know what you’re doing. 

My goal is to inspire you to look your best, and learn to use the tools, whatever your season of life. Don’t give up, and don’t try too hard. Know yourself and be yourself.

Summary

• Remember that people change.
• Embrace the season of life you’re in.
• Present yourself in a way that fits your identity in that season.
• Cull your closet of things you don’t or won’t use.
• Focus on classic looks rather than trendy ones (especially if you’re over 40–younger guys can afford to experiment more).
• Find a couple of signature items that express your identity, help you create your own narrative, and that people will associate with you.
• Remember that your wardrobe is a tool. Look like you know how to use it.

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For companion content, see these related posts:

What do I mean by Life and Style?

Style and appearance–why even care?

See also:

How personality traits change over time–American Psychological Association

Do you know the difference between “price” and “value”? Value versus price.

Value versus price–calculate the difference!

The item with the lowest price isn’t always the best value. In fact, it often is not, at least in the long run. This is true whether you’re buying a jacket, a belt, or a lawnmower.

But neither can you assume that the highest priced item is necessarily the best quality or the best value. Although higher price often equates to quality, that isn’t always true. And, there can sometimes be a point of diminishing returns on the high price. 
 

Much of the time, it pays to buy the best quality you can afford, and that fits your budget.

Sometimes, the most affordable in the long run is something that stretches your budget for now. But because it is high quality and lasts a long time, and you use it many times, over time it proves to be a great investment.

The most expensive items you’ll have are those that you got for cheap, and then rarely use. Perhaps because it doesn’t work well, fit well, run well, or look right. Something about it just doesn’t seem right, and you rarely if ever wear it or use it. That, my friend, turns out to be an expensive item indeed.
 

This principle could apply to many things you buy.

But for now, let’s apply it to the things you wear. Yes, your clothes. Everybody wears them. Everybody has to buy them. The key is to making smart decisions about purchases you’ll be happy with and will make you feel great.

One of the ways to calculate value is to take the price of an item and divide it by the number of times you use it.

So, say you spend $200 on a really nice jacket. Over against the one for $39.99 at the discount store.

The quality jacket will likely last a many years. Say you wear it 40 times per year over eight years. That would be a reasonable expectation. When you really like something you find reasons to wear it. So you got at least 320 enjoyable uses out of the jacket. Maybe more

That means you paid about sixty-two and a half cents per use. And you felt great every time you put it on, getting lots of positive notice (that’s part of “value” too).

Or, say you went with the $40 jacket. It’s ok; you like it but don’t love it. Still, you did pay money for it and so you wear it maybe 40 times over a couple of years. You either get tired of it or it starts to wear out, the zipper gets stuck or you lose a button, seams come loose, etc. So you donate it to the thrift store, and you start over with another one.

You paid $1.00 per wearing, a third again as much per wearing as the quality jacket that you still have. And you didn’t enjoy it nearly as much.
 

Which one is the better value? Value versus price.

It isn’t even just the matter of cost per item or per wearing.

There’s the subjective element of the way it makes you feel when you have it on. When you’re wearing a really favorite item, and you know you look good in it, you feel like a superhero that can do anything. That feeling is actually worth money too. It is part of the value.

Here’s a real-life example from my experience, one that you may be able to relate to.
 

For years, I wore cheap belts. Value versus price.

I would get them at places like B-Mart (a discount store here in Oregon). I’d buy them myself or have my wife get them as birthday or Christmas presents. That’s because I would go through about two of them a year. I would often pay maybe $15, and just figure that I’d do it again in six or eight months. For some reason, I thought of belts as a throw-away item, and would invest more on other things instead.

Now understand, they didn’t look terrible. I would try different styles, and often settled on those kind that are that woven leather style, at least for daily wear. They’re real leather, and they look pretty decent when they’re new. But somehow the holes would stretch, or the loop would come apart. I would wear them until they weren’t functional, then just throw them away and get another one.

Do you remember my other article on “7 Tips for Environmentally Responsible Style”? Where I talked about how many cheap clothes we end up cycling out or even throwing away? Yeah, that was me and belts. Not very responsible. But what could I do? I was just used to cutting corners when it came to belts.

A few years ago I decided to spring for something better. 

I was in the Cannon Beach Leather shop on the Oregon coast–I like to go in there just for the rich smell. You can actually smell the leather just walking by on the sidewalk. So great. 

Their belt rack caught my eye. I could tell by the feel of the leather and the detailing on the silver plated buckle that these were higher quality than what I normally bought. They were about five times what I used to spend, which is still pretty reasonable for what you can spend on a belt, believe me. Plus, they just looked cooler. A hint of a western look, without actually being a “western” belt. 

I bought one and have worn it almost every day for the past five years or so. My cost per wearing is way less than the cheap belts I used to get. Plus, I know it looks good, and is going to continue to work for me. Like a quality tool in m toolbox. I can wear it with jeans, cords, slacks, or even a suit. It is one of the most versatile items I own. It no longer looks brand new, but it still looks great. Quality leather wears in, not out. It’s called “patina.”
 

Speaking of quality leather… (value versus price)

Several years ago I purchased a leather jacket at the same shop. The first leather jacket I’ve had since college. Some would say I’m too old to wear a leather jacket, but I don’t care. It’s a grown-up style that suits me, brown leather and little dressier (not a biker jacket). It looks great with dark jeans and a white shirt. I feel like a movie star with it on (that’s value too).

The thing is, it was a clearance item that they were discontinuing. Normally over $500, I paid just $175 for it. Yeah, that’s still a chunk of money for a jacket, but I’ve worn it for several years, and will probably pass it on to my son one day. It was not cheap, but it was a great value.
 

In summary…

You may or may not be a “clothes guy.” Whether you are or not, you still wear them and you still have to buy them. From somewhere. I suggest that you put some thought into your purchases, and don’t pick something from the bargain rack just because it is cheap. Learn to identify a quality item, so that you can save money when you find it on sale (like I did my leather jacket). You may spend more up front for some quality items even on sale, than you would on lesser quality for regular price. Maybe quite a bit more. But think in terms of value–how many uses you’re likely to get from something that’s quality and that you really like. You’ll wear it for years. And feel like a superhero who can do anything 🙂

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Sources:

What does “Product Quality” really mean?

You see the header on my website. The tag line says, “Life and Style for Men.”

I should tell you what I mean by that.

More commonly, you may see the term “lifestyle” as one word. Generally, it describes a way or style of living, and often involves fashion, food, cars, homes, and other accoutrements, as well as health, exercise, hobbies, etc. “Lifestyle” has become part of popular culture, and there are many magazines, blogs, and other industries built up around it.

The term has even come to denote a bit of shallowness, with a focus on just the externals of life.

Which is why I don’t use it.

The term “lifestyle” was originally coined by Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler, and had more substance than the current popular version of the word. As early as 1929 he was using it to describe a person’s basic character as established in early childhood. It referred to a person’s attitudes, values, and overall belief system and worldview. 

These days, in popular culture, “lifestyle” has more to do with your clothes, manner of decorating, entertainment choices, and other consumer habits. These are fine, and probably more important than we may want to admit.

But notice that I don’t use the word “Lifestyle” in my blog. It doesn’t carry the connotations I want.

I make it two words: Life AND style.

Here is what I mean by that…

LIFE

By this I have in mind your identity, who you are. 

This harkens back more to the way “Lifestyle” was used by Adler, sociologist Max Weber, and others. Actually, personal identity even has a long history that includes Plato, Rene’ Descartes, religious traditions, and many others. So the issue of personal identity is certainly not a passing fad.

More recently, foundational adult development theorists such as Erik Ericson (the psychologist who coined the term, “identity crisis”), Daniel Levinson, popular writers such as Gail Sheehy and others have described adulthood as a sequence of stages, with developmental tasks to accomplish within each. Levinson was one of those who popularized the term “midlife crisis,” and described it as a normal stage of life that all adults experience in their own way. I hope that my mention of some of these sources might encourage you to do some further reading on these subjects. But I’ll distill the main ideas for you over time, in any case. The way I use “Life” is rooted in some of these ideas.

The point is, people have always desired to have an understanding of who they are. And this understanding tends to change over time.

In the popular sense, this involves the outward aspects of our identity as well as our inner personality characteristics and beliefs.

Outward identity 

This includes demographic characteristics such as gender, race/ethnicity, place of birth, first language, socio-economic background, makeup of family of origin, education, vocation/profession, etc. These things are foundational to who we are. We didn’t have a choice with some of them, and most of them don’t change too much once we’re well into adulthood.

Our identity also includes roles that we take on over time. These might be roles as husband, father, friend, teacher or student, employee or employer. Adding these or other roles to our lives shapes our identity. 

Inward identity 

This is our internal sense of self, including our beliefs and values, memories, religious faith and commitments, inherent personality type, fantasies and daydreams, hopes and goals, political opinions, disappointments, experiences, and so on. These are the things that constitute our “life” and identity, but are not identifiable to someone on the outside.

These factors of our inward identity may shift and change, and accrue over time. They are things over which we have more control.

In youth and young adulthood, most people make the foundational decisions that will affect the rest of their lives: education, career choice, marriage, parenthood, etc. 

In midlife, adults often find themselves deepening or perhaps renegotiating these decisions and commitments. 

This may involve what is known as a “crisis,” as one works through the implications of the way their life decisions have created their sense of self. 

If “crisis” seems like too strong a word, perhaps it may help to think of it more as a series of midlife “adjustments.” 

My intent with this blog is to focus on practical and positive aspects of making these adjustments, especially for men in midlife. 

I’m laying a foundation here, but this won’t be primarily a blog on philosophy, psychology and sociology, I promise!

I do want to educate, but also to encourage and inspire readers to embrace the season they are in. I want readers to develop their sense of identity in positive ways, with confidence and style. And to remember that our identity in each season of our lives will lay the foundation for who we are in the season to follow.

This is what I mean by “Life.”

STYLE

If “Life” refers to our identity, to who we are, I use “Style” to describe how we live. 

Style is how we present ourselves to the world.

I think of this as our “Ethos,” that is, the way people see us and the things we are known for. I described this in another post on How to Influence with our Ethos.

People tend to think of “style” as referring only to clothing and fashion. It certainly includes this, but also involves much more. I don’t like the word “fashion,” by the way. At least not for mature men. “Fashion” brings to mind trends and fads, and I don’t recommend that men follow trends and fads in style and clothing. 

As you work your way through the seasons of adulthood, focus first on defining and understanding who you are. Your sense of style and presentation will grow naturally out of that. 

Your personal style goes beyond what you wear to include your overall demeanor and way of being.

A confident but approachable manner makes you appealing to be around. The way you greet someone with eye contact and a welcoming smile is part of your personality and style. Even the sound and pacing of your voice is part of how you present yourself to the world.

I plan to write some future posts on your voice, by the way. This is one of the things people notice first and most remember about you. Sadly, many people do not like the sound of their own voice. The good news is that you can improve your voice, and be more intentional about how you want to sound and express yourself.

Your health and grooming is an essential part of your personal style. I’ll say more about this as time goes by. But for the moment, think in terms that clothing is what you put on your body, but grooming is how you care for your body itself. 

Hair, for example, is a big concern for many men. How to cut and keep it, in particular. Paying attention to your nails and hands, your feet, your teeth, your eyebrows, and yes–trimming that nose and ear hair–all of that is part of how you present yourself to others around you. 

Diet and exercise are part of your personal style as well. Developing a discipline and routine for maintaining a healthy body makes so many of the other things easier. It gets harder as we age, for sure. The waistline can seem to have a mind of its own!

Taking care of yourself not only makes you more appealing to be around, but it also indicates that you are a person that gives attention to detail. This can pay dividends even in your vocation and career aspirations. 

Let’s face it–we live in uncertain times, and need every advantage we can create for ourselves.

Our style and the way we present ourselves can make all the difference.

And when it comes to clothing, yes, that’s part of our style too. Whether we like it or not. This is an area where a lot of men simply aren’t comfortable. It is easier to just stay in a style rut that doesn’t change over a ten or twenty year period. Or else it is easier to just wear whatever your wife or family picks out for you. Many men need an appearance upgrade to fit the season they’re now in.

I propose that it is better–and more manly–to take control of this part of your life than to defer it to others. If you know who you are in the season of life you’re in, and what you want to accomplish, then think of the way you dress and present yourself as a tool to help you.

Many men feel out of their comfort zone when it comes to clothing, even though getting dressed is one of the few things you will do every day of your life. Why not be as intentional about it as possible? You may not know where to start, or what some of the basic principles are. I can help you with that, with practical tips and a no-judgment attitude. Caring about how you look and present yourself is one of the most masculine things you do.

Summing up…

So, this is how I think about Life AND Style. 

Focus first on defining who you are, and what you want to accomplish. 

Then your style will be a natural outgrowth of that. It needs to be YOUR style, not someone else’s. It needs to reflect the way you want to live, look, and present yourself. The Ethos you project matters, and I look forward to helping you develop your very best self.

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Note: see my earlier posts for more perspective on this topic:

1) Style and appearance: why even care?,

2) 7 tips for environmentally responsible style

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Sources:

“Personal Identity.” Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy. Revised 2019.
Levinson, Daniel. The Seasons of a Man’s Life. 1978.
Levinson, Daniel. The Seasons of a Woman’s Life. 1996.
Sheehy, Gail. Passages: Predictable Crises of Adult Life. 2006.

How to leave a legacy? Do you ever wonder about the impact your life makes? Not just in the present, but long into the future? 

What legacy will you leave for future generations?

Take a moment to study this photo I took at St. Margaret Lothbury church in London last fall. This is a historic parish, first recorded in the 12th century. The current building was designed by the famous architect Christopher Wren and built after the Great Fire of London in 1666. So while it is not the church’s original building it is still, well, pretty old. Going on 400 years.
 

But what I’d like you to think about this list of names, beginning with Reginald the Priest in 1181. Then there is a gap of a little over 100 years before picking up with John de Hastingfield in 1303. I suppose we can excuse the lack of complete records early on, considering it was the 13th century and they were preoccupied with  the challenges of life in the middle ages. You know, wars with the French, plagues, heretics–that sort of thing. If they had known the church would still be here 800 years later perhaps they would have paid closer attention to keeping records at that point… 

Still, if you look closely you’ll see that it is a nearly continuous record since 1303. There are a few short gaps unaccounted for here and there, but overall it shows an amazing continuity of those who have served as rectors of the church over hundreds of years. I have seen plaques just like this in a number of other churches in England, with listings of rectors going back many hundreds of years. And to think about how in each case these rectors faithfully shepherded and taught their flock from one century to the next is moving.

Only 52 names

The thing that stands out to me is how few of them there are. In this case I count only 52 names total. 51 if you start from the 1303 date.

Only 51 pastors of this church in more than 700 years. A number so small you could gather them all for lunch in the side room at Olive Garden.

I wrote in an earlier post (“A Lifetime is a Long Time”) about using the length of your own lifetime to gain some sense of perspective on the passage of time. 

Looking at this listing of names is another way of thinking about that long-term perspective and continuity. We realize that our own lives are not the focal point of history. Our lives are connected with a long stream of humanity, with not that much separating one from another. The care this church has taken to preserve the memory of their pastors over so many years is remarkable. 

It makes me wonder, though, how many of us are able to recall a memory of those who are much closer to us, even in our own family. How many of us could name our own great or great-great grandparents? Unless we’re into studying our own genealogy, many of us can only identify up to a couple of prior generations of our own family. These are people who made us who we are, but we may not long remember them by name.

So I wonder further, how long will we be remembered by those who follow us? Even those who are descendants of us. Probably not all that long. 

This is actually the fairly normal way of things. Few people are remembered by name for very long after they are gone, even by their own family or descendants. 

Our influence on those who aren’t yet even born

But does that mean our lives have no influence or importance for those who follow after us? Not at all. Most of us won’t even have our name on a plaque, or a building named after us. But that isn’t really how our lives matter most in the future.

Even if we may not be remembered by name for more than two or three generations to follow, our lives and the decisions we make have profound effects on the lives of others. Our choices, large and small, may determine aspects of the lives of our descendants in ways they will not even be aware. Any more than we’re rarely conscious or aware of how the choices of our own great grandparents have shaped our own lives. Where we live, family traditions and characteristics, socioeconomic status, religion and values, trades and occupations–these things, and many more, have been passed down to us from family members who have preceded us. We’ll continue to pass our own influence into the future in ways we don’t think about.

We all are influencers, for our family and the people around us now, as well as those who may live long after we are gone. Our lives make a profound impact on the flow of humanity. Allow that to guide your thoughts and actions each day. Your influence, your Ethos, is greater and more long-lasting than you imagine. You may or may not change the world, but you’ll create a silent impact on your family in particular. This is true for better or for worse, so why not be intentional about it?

Here is a short list of ways you can exert an influence into the future–for your life to make an impact–even if three or four generations from now you aren’t remembered by name:

Live beyond the present moment

Live and make your choices and decisions as if they will matter into the future, even into eternity–because they will.

If you are a person of religious faith, live into it. Embrace it with passion and commitment, and let it shape who you are. You can take an eternal perspective, not just a future one. If you are not religious, at the very least develop a belief system that matters beyond the moment. No matter what, your life will have an influence into the future.

Treat others the way you would want to be treated

They don’t call this the “Golden Rule” for nothing. Imagine what our world would be like if everyone lived this way. Imagine the influence you could have if even just you lived this way. You could create an ethos within your family that lasts generations, one that would outlive your actual memory.

Almost any specific advice I could give, such as be respectful, compassionate, honest, genuine, etc., can be summarized in this simple principle of living and treating others the way we would want to be treated.

Tell your story

You will influence future generations through your character, your ethos, your decisions and choices. These things create the DNA of a legacy that outlasts your actual memory. Even so, it doesn’t hurt to give future generations a way to remember your story. Part of the reason we don’t remember our great or great-great grandparents is because they didn’t leave their story behind. 

So write your story down. Yes, write your own “memoirs” as a way to connect your life to those in the future. Not necessarily for publication, but at least for your family. How cool is it when we find old letters even from our parents or grandparents? Think of coming across a more complete written life story by one of your ancestors? This can give a window into previous lives that have shaped our own life.

You can’t guarantee that your story will be preserved, or that others will read it. But be assured that they won’t unless you make an effort to leave your story behind. I’ll create a future post on the details of how to write your own memoirs. But be thinking about it, at least.

That’s all for now. I have many more thoughts on these subjects, but for your sake I’ll mete them out a little at a time rather than all at once 🙂

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Related posts:

Ordinary life–extraordinary influence

How to expect more of life